Kutcher Bitten Over CNN Bet

April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.

The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills.  A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided.  Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.

At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense?  I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.”  Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher.  “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter.  And Ashton, you and CNN?  Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.”  Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous.  I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”

Things then took a turn for the worse.  Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers.  According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike.  She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder.  She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.”  Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face.  Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.

Onlookers were silenced and stunned.  Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!”  But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right.  I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.”  With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want.  Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love.  We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.

Top 10 Twitter Terrorists

April 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As frequent readers are aware, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have been investigating Twitter Terrorists for weeks.  There are countless evil doers out there who are ruining the social networking platform for others, and officials are desperate to stop them.

With cooperation from various agencies, including the CIA and FBI, we’re now able to reveal the list of the Top 10 Twitter Terrorists.  Authorities consider these people to be very dangerous and urge all Americans to be vigilant and use extreme caution when following them.

1. Oprah Winfrey: Now that she’s joined Twitter, everyone else will.  When you get the “over capacity” message, you know who to blame.  The immediate results will be the over saturation and hype for Twitter.  That will soon be followed by a massive backlash, and an extreme decline in the number of users.  The beginning of the end has arrived; Oprah just killed Twitter.
2. CNN & Ashton Kutcher: For starting that annoying “race to 1,000,000 followers.”  They should be kicked off the network for such abuse.
3. Barack Obama: The reporters here love that the President (or his aides) are on Twitter, but they rarely Tweet.  The leader of the free world can NOT be a lame Tweeter, our image is on the line.  Either get with it or get off it.  (Editorial note to the President:  You said you were going to have a transparent administration.  You’ve yet to do that.  But that’s what Twitter can do for you.  Give us something … anything.  Even if it’s Tweets like, “Dear Osama, we’re sending an F-18 and some Seals over to your house tonight.  Good night, bitch.”)  If Obama plays his cards right, he could use Twitter to help win the war on terror.
4. Brooke Burke: Everyone loves her, but she easily takes home the crown for “Biggest Twit on Tweeter.”  And while she has over 400,000 followers, she only follows 4.  It’s all about her and the painful details of her daily life.  If she keeps it up with Tweets like, “Just landed safely,” “Drinking my morning coffee,” “My hair dresser is coming over at 9 to cut my hair,” or “Just picked vegetables from my garden for the first time,” she will slide into the #3 slot.
5. New York Times: For the relentless Tweeting of some incredibly boring stories.  They’ve posted over 30,000 updates in just 28 months.  (Editorial note to the NYT:  No wonder you’re facing such difficult times and a dip in subscribers, you’re spending all goddamn day Tweeting instead of writing the paper).
6. John Mayer: For breaking up with Jen.
7. Al Gore: While he has a half million followers, he only follows 7 and has only posted 24 updates in five months.  This is a very poor showing for the guy who said he invented the Internet.  We expected more and it’s obvious that Al Gore has reverted back to being very boring.
8. Tony Robbins: We admire his efforts, they’re noble.  However, his constant self-help missives are guilty of making losers feel much better about themselves.  And no one likes a loser with an ego.  Thanks, Tony, you’re empowering an army of people who don’t deserve it.
9. Dr. Drew: He’s single-handedly guilty of being so smart that it’s making everyone else look like an idiot.  Through his brilliance, he’s demoralizing the country, which in turn is causing people to flock to guys like Tony Robbins to get their mojo back.  This cycle may never end unless he stops.
10. The Heidi Montag Followers: For reasons only the best of psychiatrists can explain, there are 250,000 people following Heidi, despite the fact she’s only posted two Tweets.  The first was a smiley face, the second said, “I Love Jesus.”  We implore these people to start following Dr. Drew so they can get some much needed help.

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet, along with officials, urge you to send suggestions of other Twitter Terrorists that should be added to the list.  And while they weren’t aware they were contributors in this column, we thank the good folks at TwitterHolic for the tireless research they do.  Their work came in very handy as we compiled the list of the Top 10 Twitter Terrorists.  Good night and may God bless America.