March 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. An unexpected rash of violent pinching assaults engulfed the west coast yesterday and overwhelmed emergency rooms and 911 operators. As people went about their day, celebrating St. Patrick’s Day, gangs of leprechauns tore through cities and pinched anyone in their path who wasn’t wearing green.”
“It was the scariest day of my life,” said a sobbing Barbara O’Malley. “I’m Irish, but I forgot to wear green. These animals came up to me and starting pinching my ass and calling me names.” Another victim shared a similar story. “I was at a pub having a beer and this scantily clad girl in green came up and distracted me. As soon as she did, a gang of green goons swarmed me and repeatedly pinched me and then ran off as I fell to the ground in pain.”
Similar incidents were reported up and down the west coast, from San Diego to Portland. Each detailing mean looking leprechauns terrorizing and pinching anyone not wearing green. At least three people were reported to be suffering mental trauma from the attacks, and they were held overnight at the hospital for observation.
A radical group called The IRS (“The Irish Respect Squad”) is claiming responsibility. Police Chief O’Brien had a message for citizens. “We may not have caught them yet, but we’ll smoke these terrorists out of their spider holes and put them behind bars. We will not allow our cities to be overrun by these types of ruthless, leprechaun gangs.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.