Monthly Archives: April 2009

Breaking News: 100 Days

news2April 30, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Marking 100 days in office, Barack Obama once again interrupted prime time television programming for another live press conference/speech.  And while most of the news media is focused on things they call “news,” like the economy, swine flu (er H1N1), or the inexcusable Air Force One photo-op that costs taxpayers $330,000, there’s a lot of other news that’s going unnoticed.  Therefore, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet wanted to bring you up-to-date on some of the things you should know.

  1. Kim Kardashian did a photo spread for Life & Style and she wouldn’t let them airbrush the photos.  So, they show her au naturel, with some (sexy) cellulite.  AOL felt this was such a BIG news story they posted it on their homepage.
  2. In Mexico, taco stands have been shut down and 176 soccer games will be without fans, both due to the swine flu.  No bueno.
  3. In Iran, the Jew-hating Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is running for re-election and he’s using a campaign slogan familiar to us Americans – “Yes, We Can.”  The trouble is he means, “Yes, we can wipe Israel off the map,  kill anyone who doesn’t share our religious beliefs, keep our women locked in the basement, arrest journalists, beat pets, outlaw heavy metal and hot chicks, and torture anyone who doesn’t vote for him.”  Yes, we can see how this is going to turn out.
  4. Kenyan women have their men by the balls, so to speak.  They’re threatening a sex strike if the men don’t stop fighting with each other.  Reminds me of an old girlfriend I once had.  Good times.
  5. Did you know there’s actually an Orgasm Curch?  There is, in Sweden, and it’s officially named The Madonna of Orgasm Church?  We’ve got a long way to go, America.  Feel free to insert your best “Oh, God” sex joke here.
  6. Obviously, the best way to get a raise is to protest wages by cutting off your finger and eating it.
  7. Clear Channel, the radio giant, has laid off more than 2,500 people this year.  If you think radio sucks, you now know why.
  8. A guy old enough to be your grandpa hopped on one of those electric carts you find at a grocery store.  He then cruised around the joint while drinking wine and eating candy (and probably grabbing some ass).  He eventually rode out of the store without paying.  Sounds fun.  Age really is just a state of mind.
  9. In the is this really what we’re dealing with category, North Korea threatened to perform more missile tests if the U.N. doesn’t apologize for condemning their first missile tests.  Sure, we can negotiate with North Korea.  All we have to do is master the phrases, “I know you are, but what am I?” and “I’m rubber, you’re glue …”
  10. For the second time this year, rumors are swirling that things are not good in the Jon & Kate Plus 8 household.  Jon was once again seen out with another girl.  With my respect and love for Kate and their 8 kids aside, how great and scandalous would it be if Jon hooked-up with the other Octomom?
Of course, there’s much more where all of this came from.  The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will bring you more updates in our week-in-review special later this week.

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April is Dying

bushsadApril 29, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The world is in shock, as doctors say April is dying and she’s in her final hours.  “It’s not looking good, unfortunately.  We don’t see her lasting through the week,” said Dr. Morganstein.

As news of April’s imminent death spread across the globe, mourners began gathering to pay their final respects to the beloved month.  “Words cannot express my sorrow.  I don’t understand why she has to go so soon,” said Bill Buckley.  Another mourner shared a similar view.  “It seems like it was just a few weeks ago when we got to know her.  I can’t believe I’ll wake up in two days and she’ll be gone.  Life is short and very cruel.”

paris-cryingApril’s priest addressed the crowd and asked them to remember the blessings her life brought all of us.  “April will soon be in God’s hands, and her passing should remind all of us to live life to its fullest, to love unconditionally, and live by the golden rule.”  He continued by saying, “And remember the good times you spent with April.  She brought us the Final Four, Easter, High Five Day, some great playoff basketball, the Grilled Cheese Festival in Los Angeles, and some awesome new iPhone apps.  She’d like you to remember her with love and carry on her spirit in your life.”

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet send our deepest condolences to April’s family and friends.

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Kutcher Bitten Over CNN Bet

April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.

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The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills.  A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided.  Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.

At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense?  I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.”  Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher.  “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter.  And Ashton, you and CNN?  Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.”  Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous.  I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”

Things then took a turn for the worse.  Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers.  According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike.  She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder.  She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.”  Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face.  Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.

Onlookers were silenced and stunned.  Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!”  But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right.  I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.”  With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want.  Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love.  We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.

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Marriage War ’09

April 25-26, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In a battle so nasty it makes Donald vs. Rosie and O’Reilly vs. Olbermann look like child’s play, Miss California and Perez Hilton are duking it out over gay marriage.

  • In the red corner, the stunning blonde believes marriage should only include guy on girl action.
  • In the blue corner, the gossip mogul supports gay marriage and called Miss California “a dumb bitch.”
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The only way this confrontation will be solved is if the two of them are grounded for a week, and if you cast your precious vote and stand up for Deomcracy.  So, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet ask:  who ya got in Marriage War ’09?


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Facebook Tax Coming Soon?

April 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As promised for over a week, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are prepared to unveil details of a shocking investigation.  Now that the number of unique visitors on Facebook has surpassed the population of Brazil, the Obama administration is seeing green and is prepared to announce a “Facebook Tax.”

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A senior White House official said, “We’ve pretty much taxed everything but Facebook.  And now that the number of unique visitors has surpassed 200 million, it’s time to start cashing in.”  He went on to say, “The country is facing an economic crisis, but if we start taxing people for the amount of time they spend on Facebook, we’ll be out of this mess by the end of summer.”

In a statement that supports his colleagues, United States Secretary of Treasury, Timothy Geithner said, “I love Facebook as much as anyone; I even filled out one of those 25 things lists and I love that I can keep track of everyone’s birthday.  But it’s easy to connect the dots here.  Facebook is as big an enemy as al Qaeda.  Why are Americans losing jobs and not buying homes or cars?  Because they spend all goddamn day on Facebook.  It’s time we take our country back, and put the social networking nemesis in its place.”

Geithner then announced details of the tax.  “Each time someone logs in to Facebook, it will cost 99-cents.  That’s the equivalent of buying a song on iTunes, so it’s not that big of a deal.  This will allow each user to spend 15 minutes per-day on the site and they can post 2 status updates.”  But then tougher news came for Facebook addicts.  “If someone wants to spend more than 15 minutes on the site or post more than 2 updates, they certainly can, we support freedom, but they’ll face additional taxes.  But of course, the more money you make, the more you’ll be taxed, because that’s how we do things these days.  So, if you’re poor or a dropout, no worries, you won’t pay as much as someone who has actually has a good job.”

Economists have analyzed this proposed tax and claim the United States, due to the amazing number of people spending time on Facebook, would surpass the Arab nations in being the wealthiest in the world in less than a few weeks.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this shocking story and provide updates when more news breaks.

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Rush vs. Rush

April 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Rush Limbaugh, American’s #1 conservative radio host, is no stranger to having enemies or being embroiled in controversy.  The talk show host has endured attacks for decades, but some say his run may be coming to an end, not over his criticism of a wildly popular President, but over a fierce new battle with the rock band Rush.

rushbandThe Canadian trio, know for hits “Tom Sawyer” and “YYZ,” is demanding Limbaugh either change his first name or no longer go by ‘Rush’ on the radio.  “He’s killing our mojo and ruining our career,” said Geddy Lee, Rush’s bassist, singer and frontman.  “People think we’re a conservative rock band.  We’re not right-wingers.  We’re from Canada.  Our cops ride horses, we have a Prime Minister and a Queen, and much of the country speaks French.”

rushlimbaughNot surprisingly, the band’s request has been met with defiance by Limbaugh.  “Typical, long-haired, Canadian liberals,” said the voice of the Republican party.  “Of course they don’t like me, I bet they’re playing private shows for Al Qaeda.  They can go to Hell.  And when someone asks if you heard Rush on the radio, they’re talking about me, not that crap band that hasn’t had a hit since the ’80s.”

The battle of words has even spread to fan clubs for both parties, as rockers are protesting outside Limbaugh’s radio show, and conservatives are returning the favor at Rush concerts.  Signs displaying “Rush is Right,” “Go Back to Canada,” and “Crush Rush” we’re being waived by supporters.  There have been no reports of violence at the demonstrations, but authorities are braced for an escalation.  “It’s a powder keg; this thing could blow any minute,” said a local Police Chief.

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks, but we’ve gotta ask.  Who ya got?  Rush or Rush?

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Oh, No, They Forgot the “O”

April 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In a shocking turn of events this past weekend, the worst team in baseball gave the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet another glimpse into why they’re struggling.  The Washington Nationals aren’t just having a hard time hitting and fielding, they can’t even spell their name.

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But in a spin move you’d only expect in Washington, officials have offered an excuse for the apparent blunder.  “It’s the economy.  We had to cut back and lose a letter.  The ‘O’ had to go.”  The official continued by saying, “We know spelling counts, even for Major League Baseball teams worth hundreds of millions of dollars.  But desperate times call for desperate measures, and we hope our fans understand.  In order to survive, we had to lose a letter and raise ticket prices.”

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue to keep an eye on the Washington Natinals and provide updates when news breaks.

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