Tag Archives: Megan Fox

Megan, We Beg You

August 4, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are trying to be uniters not dividers.  A shocking and sad incident took place on the evening of June 7, 2007, and our goal is to help heal a deep wound that is causing the country great sadness and harm.

sethrogenThe scene of the tragic incident was the stage at ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.”  The hilarious Seth Rogen was being interviewed by Kimmel; it was his first appearance on the show.  The segment went very well, there were lots of laughs, and the audience felt the positive energy in the air.  But trouble was on the horizon, and the scene would soon turn to horror.

As Mr. Rogen’s segment with Kimmel ended, the show went to commercials.  When it resumed, it was now time for Kimmel to introduce his next guest – the lovely and talented Megan Fox.  Meanwhile, Rogen was asked to remain on-set during Fox’s segment so he could add to the conversation, as Fox was relatively unknown at this point.

Megan-Fox-CherryAs Miss Fox was introduced, she made a grand entrance and immediately began dazzling the unsuspecting audience with her confidence and beauty.  Mr. Kimmel graciously greeted her as she walked out, and he gave her the obligatory kiss on the cheek.  Things would soon fall off the rails.

As Megan moved towards her seat next to Jimmy Kimmel, she had to cross paths with Mr. Rogen.  Like any gentleman would, Rogen stood up, waited patiently and harmlessly, and prepared to give her the same, polite greeting she had just received from Mr. Kimmel. But in a flash of horror, Miss Fox snubbed Mr. Rogen on live TV and avoided any type of greeting.  No handshake.  No hug.  No kiss on the cheek.  Brutal.

This may have been the most tragic demonstration of emasculation we’ve ever seen on live TV.  While the two may not be a match made in heaven, the research clearly shows the “Hollywood Kiss” is to be expected; no matter what the combination of celebrities may be. Mr. Rogen hasn’t been the same since.  He doesn’t sleep well and his self-esteem is in the toilet.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet want to resolve this incident immediately so one of America’s funniest men can get his mojo back. We implore Miss Fox to meet Mr. Rogen on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” or at some other location, and give him the kiss he deserves so much.  This act of kindness and respect will go a long way in healing our great nation.

If you’d like to watch the horror of June 7, 2007, feel free.  But we warn you this video contains material that is highly offensive and will cause any man to squirm.

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Celebs Added to Terrorist Watch List

fbimostwantedApril 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent.  Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.

While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list.  “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough.  You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran.  We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”

As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.

  • Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world.  And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for.  Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
  • American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven.  If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used.  We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
  • Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.”  She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy.  He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail.  We will get ‘er done.
  • Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is.  If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out.  Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex.  We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop.  They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy.  We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
  • Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message.  We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
  • Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do.  Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets.  We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden.  Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
  • Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business.  We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems.  And he’s not a miracle worker.  His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever.  The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
  • Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead.  Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
  • The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful.  They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues.  Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones.  As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.

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Your 2009 MMM Champion

April 5, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Nearly 23,000,000,000 votes were cast, and the winner of the first annual Thank God For the Internet Men’s March Madness Tournament is Megan Fox. When asked whether they’d rather spend their Saturday evening with Megan Fox, drinking beer, listening to Led Zeppelin, or watching football, men across the world sounded off and chose the stunning brunette as the winner.

Robert Plant, the legendary frontman for Led Zeppelin, had this to say on the outcome. “Hey, I’m OK with the results. We were happy just being in the final four. And to be honest, I’d rather spend my Saturday evening with her, too. I’m quite sick of our music, actually.” But Terrell Owens had a different opinion. “This thing was rigged. If I love me some me, I know everyone else does, too. Me and football got ripped off.”

Who will win the Thank God For the Internet 2010 Men’s March Madness Tournament? Many think Fox may be able to defend her title, while others think it’s only a matter of time before Beer rises to the top. We’ll just have to wait and see. Thanks to the billions of people who voted.  And congratulations, Megan.


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Men’s Final Four Weekend

mensfinalfourApril 4-5, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the millions who voted in the first ever Thank God For the Internet Men’s March Madness Tournament.  It’s down to the final four things that matter most to men.  Here’s a quick recap of how we got to this point.

  • In the Sports Region, Football easily won, beating the NBA, Baseball and Hockey by 5%-points each.
  • Megan Fox won a close battle over Alessandra Ambrosio in the Babes Region.  Scarlett Johansson came in 3rd.
  • In the Drinking Region, Beer edged out Mixed Drinks and Soda to emerge victorious.
  • Led Zeppelin triumphed over Metallica, Guns N’ Roses and the Red Hot Chili Peppers to escape from the Rock Region.
As Ryan Seacrest would say, it’s now up to you, America; this is the Men’s Final Four.  Which of these would you rather spend a Saturday evening with?  Please vote early and often.

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