February 7, 2010 – Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have been spending months overseas conducting a covert investigation, but we’ve returned to our homeland and the daily reporting in this space will resume again soon.
Now that we’re back, our first order of business is to urge all Americans to do their part today and watch the Super Bowl. And in an attempt to make the whole thing more enjoyable, we’ve put together our 2010 edition of the “Super Stupid Pool.”
Have fun. Make up your own rules and add your own questions. But consider assigning “points” for each correct answer. We’ve included loosely recommended points for each question.
- Will the National Anthem be over or under two minutes? (3 points)
- Which team will win the coin toss? (2 points)
- It’s reported that Kim Kardashian’s bust + hips measurement is 73 inches. Will Reggie Bush gain more than 73 yards in the Super Bowl (including rushing and receiving, but not kick returns)? (3 points)
- Once the game has started, which type of commercial will we see first – erectile dysfunction, beer, soda, car, website, fast food, other? (4 points)
- From which brand will we see the first beer commercial (must be specific – “Budweiser” and “Bud Light” are different answers)? (4 points)
- After kickoff, which cheerleaders will get the first close-up? (3 points)
- Which QB will throw the first touchdown? (2 points)
- Will Dwight Freeney get a sack in the game? (3 points)
- Which player will score the first touchdown? (6 points)
- Will there be a fumble lost in the first quarter? (3 points)
- Will a streaker run onto the field at any point during the game? (2 points)
- Which team will be leading at halftime, or will it be tied? (3 points)
- The Who’s halftime set will include which songs, and in what order? (4 points)
- Once the game has started and until the final whistle, how many separate times will CBS show Kim Kardashian? (4 points)
- Will there be an interception by either team in the third quarter? (3 points)
- Will Manning or Brees miss any plays due to injury? (3 points)
- Will the winning points be scored in the last minute of the game? (4 points)
- Which team will win? (3 points)
- How many total points will be scored? (if correct, 10 points)
October 3, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have been busy the past few months reviewing the best TV commercials of 2009. Later this year, we will be crowing the winner, but we wanted to give you a sneak peak at the spot that’s the favorite thus far, “In the Can.”
We applaude Budwesier for their creativity. However, their “In the Can” spot might have to be rejected from our competition, as it’ll probably never see the light of day on the prudish, American airwaves. In any case, enjoy and let us know what you think.
August 4, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are trying to be uniters not dividers. A shocking and sad incident took place on the evening of June 7, 2007, and our goal is to help heal a deep wound that is causing the country great sadness and harm.
The scene of the tragic incident was the stage at ABC’s “Jimmy Kimmel Live.” The hilarious Seth Rogen was being interviewed by Kimmel; it was his first appearance on the show. The segment went very well, there were lots of laughs, and the audience felt the positive energy in the air. But trouble was on the horizon, and the scene would soon turn to horror.
As Mr. Rogen’s segment with Kimmel ended, the show went to commercials. When it resumed, it was now time for Kimmel to introduce his next guest – the lovely and talented Megan Fox. Meanwhile, Rogen was asked to remain on-set during Fox’s segment so he could add to the conversation, as Fox was relatively unknown at this point.
As Miss Fox was introduced, she made a grand entrance and immediately began dazzling the unsuspecting audience with her confidence and beauty. Mr. Kimmel graciously greeted her as she walked out, and he gave her the obligatory kiss on the cheek. Things would soon fall off the rails.
As Megan moved towards her seat next to Jimmy Kimmel, she had to cross paths with Mr. Rogen. Like any gentleman would, Rogen stood up, waited patiently and harmlessly, and prepared to give her the same, polite greeting she had just received from Mr. Kimmel. But in a flash of horror, Miss Fox snubbed Mr. Rogen on live TV and avoided any type of greeting. No handshake. No hug. No kiss on the cheek. Brutal.
This may have been the most tragic demonstration of emasculation we’ve ever seen on live TV. While the two may not be a match made in heaven, the research clearly shows the “Hollywood Kiss” is to be expected; no matter what the combination of celebrities may be. Mr. Rogen hasn’t been the same since. He doesn’t sleep well and his self-esteem is in the toilet.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet want to resolve this incident immediately so one of America’s funniest men can get his mojo back. We implore Miss Fox to meet Mr. Rogen on “Jimmy Kimmel Live” or at some other location, and give him the kiss he deserves so much. This act of kindness and respect will go a long way in healing our great nation.
If you’d like to watch the horror of June 7, 2007, feel free. But we warn you this video contains material that is highly offensive and will cause any man to squirm.
August 1, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It’s hard to beleive July died last night, but the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will forge ahead and keep asking the tough questions.
This weekend’s poll is sure to cause a bar fight or two, but it’s a question that must be answered. If Led Zeppelin and the Rolling Stones played a concert together, which band would be most deserving of the headlining slot?
Stand up for rock and roll and Democracy and cast your vote.
July 31, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven’t been returned, Cyndi Lauper has dropped a bomb on the country by saying girls aren’t having fun anymore. And she may pull her hit song “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” from shelves and have it deleted from iPods across the world.
According to sources, Lauper was dining with friends at a Venice Beach bistro when she went on the shocking rant. “Look at Erin Andrews or Kate Gosselin. What about Paris, Britney, Rhianna, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan? Do you think any of these girls are having fun? They’re not! This isn’t the America I want to live in and I should have never recorded ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun.’”
As the tirade continued, Lauper added, “Gain 40-pounds and you’re labeled fat. Forget to wear underwear or show your hoo-hahs and you’re a slut. Do drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you’re a celeb-u-wreck. It’s like having fun is a disease or something.” Cyndi’s rant concluded with her blaming everything on the media, the economy, douchebag men, jealous bitches, and George W. Bush.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet beg to differ and cite the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs as proof that girls are still having fun, but we could be wrong. We’ll continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.
July 25, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet embark on the final weekend of our West Wing marathon assignment (we will have finished all 42 DVDs by the end of Sunday night), we felt the following weekend poll was appropriate:
Which TV President would you like to have as the real POTUS? We’ll give you the four best choices, but if you prefer someone else, feel free to let us know.
- Is it Martin Sheen who played President Bartlet on The West Wing?
- How about Dennis Haysbert who played President Palmer on 24?
- Do you prefer a female president; maybe Geena Davis as President Allen in Commander in Chief?
- What about another woman who kicked some ass in the oval office; Cherry Jones as President Taylor on 24?
Stand up for Democracy and elect our best TV President.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will return on Monday with more exclusive news.
July 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While fixated on things like health care and global warming, the mainstream media has once again missed the boat.
1. Today is “Tell An Old Joke Day.” The brunette asked the blonde, “Should we cut our pizza into six pieces or twelve?” “Six please,” said the blonde, “we could never eat twelve.” Go tell some jokes today.
2. The Kapuskasing Lumberjack Heritage Festival begins today and runs through the weekend. The festival includes events like The Axe Throw, Chainsaw Bucking, and rolling logs through an obstacle course. How is ESPN not all over this? Men will be throwing axes and they may end up fighting with chainsaws — this makes MMA look like a thumb war — why isn’t this on TV?
3. Today is “Drive-Thru Day.” At an early press conference, President Obama said, “I inherited this economy and the previous administration did nothing to promote the Drive-Thru business. Unless you want the government to spend trillions of dollars bailing out fast food joints, it’s important all Americans go get some fries or a taco immediately. If anyone becomes obese, don’t worry, my health care bill will cover that.”
4. Today is “National Tequila Day.” ‘Nuff said.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue to bring you the news you need to know while the mainstream media is asleep at the wheel.