July 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As if the horrendous economy and rising national debt and unemployment isn’t enough, there’s a new epidemic the Obama administration is scrambling to deal with. Food stamps are making people very sick.
An Obama administration official broke the news to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet earlier this morning. “This is a mess and it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s finance died from licking wedding envelopes. Unfortunately, many newly unemployed and welfare-ridden folks are licking the backs of food stamps, and it’s making them very sick.” He went on to say, “We’ve done a miserable job at informing citizens about how food stamps work. There’s no need to lick them – people just need to turn them in at their local grocery store. In fact, they’re not even ‘stamps,’ so I’m shocked that this has spiraled so far out of control.”
Doctors nationwide are overwhelmed with the number of sick patients turning up in their waiting rooms. Dr. Gordon, a Los Angeles physician, said, “I can barely keep up with the load. I’m having to pump stomachs and re-hydrate hundreds of patients daily. And most of these poor people don’t have health insurance, so my practice will be bankrupt by Christmas.”
A patient of Dr. Gordon’s, Flora Valentine, shared details of her horror. “I got my food stamps in the mail and they didn’t come with any instructions. I figured I had to lick the backs, like I do for other stamps. After licking and licking and trying to get them sticky, I began feeling very sick. I called 911 just before I collapsed. Dr. Gordon saved my life.”
While President Obama has yet to publicly respond, we’re told he’s distraught over the crisis and may hire a Food Stamp Czar to lead the effort in educating Americans on how to avoid getting sick. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide more updates when news breaks.
May 12, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet bring you an exclusive story. The White House is poised to wage a new and bloody battle; the War For Hip-Hop.
As reported by CNN last week, al Qaeda is using a hip-hop vibe to export jihad and recruit new soldiers willing to kill anyone who doesn’t agree with their way of life. With rhymes such as “Mortar by mortar, shell by shell, only going to stop when I send them to hell,” the terrorists are clearly stepping up their game and hitting America’s youth in the heart with some phat, funky beats. But Barack Obama won’t back down easy.
“Let me be very clear. The United States will not let al Qaeda hijack Hip-Hop like they have Islam,” said the President. “We will use every resource of the American military to make sure these mad rhymes are silenced.” He went on to say, “I know liberals will not be happy about us starting a new and very deadly war, but we have no choice, our values are in jeopardy. We won’t let these thugs steal our art, our rhymes, and turn them against us. Hip-Hop started in America and it’ll stay in America.”
At a press conference that left reporters stunned, Obama outlined part of his strategy for winning the War For Hip-Hop. “I’ve hired Suge, 50 Cent, Snoop, Dre, and Bow Wow to lead our fight. Those cats are armed with glocks and they survived one of the bloodiest battles ever, the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap War.” He continued by praising their talents, “Those playas can rhyme with the best of them and their new joints will remind the world which nation is the king of Hip-Hop.” And in a heartfelt moment, the President choked back tears and said, “I only wish Biggie and Tupac were still with us. I know they’d join the fight for freedom and Hip-Hop.”
As news of the new war spread around the globe, Osama bin Laden, who now goes by DJ-Terror, released a videotaped message which contained this threat to America. “Yo, yo, check it, bitches. My new joint, “Gettin’ Jihady With It” drops Tuesday. Then it’ll rain bombs until the infidels drown in their own blood.” But in an immediate response American’s will be proud of, 50 Cent said, “F those fools, yo. Ain’t no one takin’ Hip-Hop from the streets. I’ll pop a cap in some asses.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following the War For Hip-Hop and provide updates when news breaks.
April 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As promised for over a week, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are prepared to unveil details of a shocking investigation. Now that the number of unique visitors on Facebook has surpassed the population of Brazil, the Obama administration is seeing green and is prepared to announce a “Facebook Tax.”
A senior White House official said, “We’ve pretty much taxed everything but Facebook. And now that the number of unique visitors has surpassed 200 million, it’s time to start cashing in.” He went on to say, “The country is facing an economic crisis, but if we start taxing people for the amount of time they spend on Facebook, we’ll be out of this mess by the end of summer.”
In a statement that supports his colleagues, United States Secretary of Treasury, Timothy Geithner said, “I love Facebook as much as anyone; I even filled out one of those 25 things lists and I love that I can keep track of everyone’s birthday. But it’s easy to connect the dots here. Facebook is as big an enemy as al Qaeda. Why are Americans losing jobs and not buying homes or cars? Because they spend all goddamn day on Facebook. It’s time we take our country back, and put the social networking nemesis in its place.”
Geithner then announced details of the tax. “Each time someone logs in to Facebook, it will cost 99-cents. That’s the equivalent of buying a song on iTunes, so it’s not that big of a deal. This will allow each user to spend 15 minutes per-day on the site and they can post 2 status updates.” But then tougher news came for Facebook addicts. “If someone wants to spend more than 15 minutes on the site or post more than 2 updates, they certainly can, we support freedom, but they’ll face additional taxes. But of course, the more money you make, the more you’ll be taxed, because that’s how we do things these days. So, if you’re poor or a dropout, no worries, you won’t pay as much as someone who has actually has a good job.”
Economists have analyzed this proposed tax and claim the United States, due to the amazing number of people spending time on Facebook, would surpass the Arab nations in being the wealthiest in the world in less than a few weeks. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this shocking story and provide updates when more news breaks.
April 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As frequent readers are aware, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have been investigating Twitter Terrorists for weeks. There are countless evil doers out there who are ruining the social networking platform for others, and officials are desperate to stop them.
With cooperation from various agencies, including the CIA and FBI, we’re now able to reveal the list of the Top 10 Twitter Terrorists. Authorities consider these people to be very dangerous and urge all Americans to be vigilant and use extreme caution when following them.
- Oprah Winfrey: Now that she’s joined Twitter, everyone else will. When you get the “over capacity” message, you know who to blame. The immediate results will be the over saturation and hype for Twitter. That will soon be followed by a massive backlash, and an extreme decline in the number of users. The beginning of the end has arrived; Oprah just killed Twitter.
- CNN & Ashton Kutcher: For starting that annoying “race to 1,000,000 followers.” They should be kicked off the network for such abuse.
- Barack Obama: The reporters here love that the President (or his aides) are on Twitter, but they rarely Tweet. The leader of the free world can NOT be a lame Tweeter, our image is on the line. Either get with it or get off it. (Editorial note to the President: You said you were going to have a transparent administration. You’ve yet to do that. But that’s what Twitter can do for you. Give us something … anything. Even if it’s Tweets like, “Dear Osama, we’re sending an F-18 and some Seals over to your house tonight. Good night, bitch.”) If Obama plays his cards right, he could use Twitter to help win the war on terror.
- Brooke Burke: Everyone loves her, but she easily takes home the crown for “Biggest Twit on Tweeter.” And while she has over 400,000 followers, she only follows 4. It’s all about her and the painful details of her daily life. If she keeps it up with Tweets like, “Just landed safely,” “Drinking my morning coffee,” “My hair dresser is coming over at 9 to cut my hair,” or “Just picked vegetables from my garden for the first time,” she will slide into the #3 slot.
- New York Times: For the relentless Tweeting of some incredibly boring stories. They’ve posted over 30,000 updates in just 28 months. (Editorial note to the NYT: No wonder you’re facing such difficult times and a dip in subscribers, you’re spending all goddamn day Tweeting instead of writing the paper).
- John Mayer: For breaking up with Jen.
- Al Gore: While he has a half million followers, he only follows 7 and has only posted 24 updates in five months. This is a very poor showing for the guy who said he invented the Internet. We expected more and it’s obvious that Al Gore has reverted back to being very boring.
- Tony Robbins: We admire his efforts, they’re noble. However, his constant self-help missives are guilty of making losers feel much better about themselves. And no one likes a loser with an ego. Thanks, Tony, you’re empowering an army of people who don’t deserve it.
- Dr. Drew: He’s single-handedly guilty of being so smart that it’s making everyone else look like an idiot. Through his brilliance, he’s demoralizing the country, which in turn is causing people to flock to guys like Tony Robbins to get their mojo back. This cycle may never end unless he stops.
- The Heidi Montag Followers: For reasons only the best of psychiatrists can explain, there are 250,000 people following Heidi, despite the fact she’s only posted two Tweets. The first was a smiley face, the second said, “I Love Jesus.” We implore these people to start following Dr. Drew so they can get some much needed help.
The reporters at Thank God For the Internet, along with officials, urge you to send suggestions of other Twitter Terrorists that should be added to the list. And while they weren’t aware they were contributors in this column, we thank the good folks at TwitterHolic for the tireless research they do. Their work came in very handy as we compiled the list of the Top 10 Twitter Terrorists. Good night and may God bless America.
April 9, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In a stunning turn of events, the Pentagon announced the War on Terror has come to an end. Admiral Jenkins said, “It’s over. This is the first war we’ve ever lost, but we’re surrendering, the terrorists have won.”
As news of the dramatic announcement made its way across the globe, no one was quite sure why the United States decided to waive the proverbial white flag. But as reporters pressed for details, Jenkins gave further information. “The writing is on the wall and we must give up before it gets worse. Our intelligence mirrors what Perez Hilton and other sources have been reporting for the past 24-hours: The Octomom is getting a reality show. That clearly means the terrorists have won. We can’t come back from such a devastating blow; it’s the equivalent of a nuclear bomb being dropped on America.”
The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staffs added to the Admiral’s comments. “Our forces are demoralized, the country has never been so weak, and it’s best we call it a day and live to fight another day.”
Soon after the briefings at the Pentagon, President Obama addressed the nation and gave a brief statement. “I promised change was coming to Washington, but I can assure you this is not what I meant. America has sunk to a new low, but my administration will not rest until we get this great land back to where it deserves to be. I’ll call on the FCC to cancel The Octomom reality show and we’ll then begin to pick up the pieces.”
When reached for comment, The Octomom said, “It’s always been my dream to help create world peace through my 14 kids. Words cannot express the joy I feel in knowing my greatness, my life, my beauty and brains, and my career could bring about such a result.”
While news of this story is still breaking, authorities, while citing a security precaution, have just said American’s will longer be allowed to have babies. “The Octomom has ruined it for everyone. No more babies, period,” said the head of the CDC.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this shocking story and provide updates when news breaks.
April 1, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Will taxpayers be forced to fund another trillion-dollar effort? The Supreme Court is poised to be ground-zero for another contentious, civil rights battle. Fools across the country have banded together and are demanding reparations, civil rights, and money in the trillions for the unfair treatment they suffer each year on April Fool’s Day.
“This is government sanctioned discrimination,” said a Fool who was protesting outside the White House on Tuesday evening. “We’re people, too, and we deserve rights. Blacks, gays, Asians, Hispanics, and the mentally challenged all get equal treatment, but we’re mocked every year by this holiday.” Mark Bonner, chief legal counsel for the Fools, had this to say. “We intend to win this case and we expect an apology from President Obama and other world leaders. This will be a victory for all of mankind. We can no longer live in a world where fools are ridiculed like this.”
Opponents in the case are not backing down. “They’re just idiots,” said Dave Ryder, a defendant in the case. “They don’t even realize we’re not mocking them. And even if we were, there’s a thing called freedom of speech. We can make fun of whoever we want.” Another supporter offered a different perspective. “They must think we’re the fools. This is nothing but a cheap attempt to steal trillions of dollars from taxpayers. I can’t wait to see their faces when we tell them April Fool’s Day isn’t even an official holiday, and they have no case.”
Will America’s fools be awarded rights and trillions of dollars? That’s now up to the Supreme Court. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks. And maybe these fools aren’t so foolish after all, they just might get paid.
March 25, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. For the second time in as many months, Barack Obama scheduled a primetime news conference that preempted must-see-TV and caused panic and anger across the nation. Some experts say it may have been a big mistake and his overall popularity may plummet.
Mario Owen, a political strategist, weighed-in on the debate by saying, “Americans are suffering enough these days. Barack can’t just take away things like American Idol whenever he wants. When viewers tune-in on a Tuesday night and unexpectedly see the President instead of Simon Cowell, it can cause a range of emotions, from panic to madness. And both can have a negative effect on his Presidency.”
Not surprisingly, many agree with Owens’ comments. “Being a New Yorker, when I turn on the TV and see Obama instead of NCIS in prime time, I fear the worst has happened. I ran to my windows and looked for smoke and listened for sirens. Thank God he was just doing a press conference on the economy,” said Vinnie Nash. And Phoenix resident, Tracy Melbourne felt a different type of fear. “I know the economy is in shambles. When I saw re-runs on every channel, I figured the TV networks had finally gone bankrupt and we’d never ever get a new show again. I cried until I found out what was really going on.”
Even President Obama’s biggest fans are miffed at his latest move. “I love the man, I voted for him. But I have had it up-to-here with him screwing up my TV schedule. I was buzzed, in my shorts, and ready to watch The Mentalist. But I got a re-run because of this economy crap.” Another anonymous fan had one simple message for the President. “This is not change we can believe in, and it’s not the change we voted for. Stop effing-up our TV and give us back our Idol.”
Obama’s speech was broadcast live across the nation at 8 p.m. eastern standard time, right in the middle of prime time. Viewers on the west coast got re-runs of their favorite shows in their regular timeslots. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.