Tag Archives: Twitter

Need To Know

News2May 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As we embark on a new week ahead, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet thought it was necessary to notify you of some of the urgent stories you may have missed last week, while the mainstream media was asleep at the wheel.
  1. A girl horse won the Preakness.  While that’s a touching story, it’s going to further empower those pesky women’s rights groups.  Now it’s only a matter of time before chicks are in the NFL.
  2. Michael Phelps actually lost a race this past weekend, which further proves that pot should not be legalized, unless we want the country’s productivity to plummet.
  3. If you’re looking for more proof that EVERYONE is on Twitter, look no further than these two stories.  Even senior citizens are dropping mad verbs on the social networking site, as the world’s oldest Tweeter has been identified.  Her name is Ivy Bean and she’s 104.  She Tweets about “Deal or No Deal,” her friend Mabel, and sleeping.  God bless Ivy Bean.  And then there’s this pet cat, named Sockington, who is far more popular than you or I will ever be.  Sockington has 500,000 followers on Twitter.
  4. Nearly 9 million people crossed a very creepy moral boundary and watched the Farrah Fawcett documentary on Saturday night.  Our prayers go out to Farrah and her family and friends, and we hope those who watched the show won’t suffer too much bad karma.
  5. The season finale of Numb3rs had 9.6 million viewers.  Do the math:  our country is headed for big goddamned trouble if 10 million people think bank robberies, murder, and terrorism can be solved by algorithms and algebra.
  6. Last Friday marked the 69th anniversary of Nylon Stocking Day and the mainstream media missed it.  No surprise, they were focused on things like Miss California and some wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, or something like that.
  7. Stormy Daniels, a porn star, may run for a Louisiana Senate seat.  Hey, the American dream in action.  And say what you will, but do you think she could screw up the Senate any more than it is already?  “Vote Stormy.”
  8. Here’s more evidence that suggests humans should have to pass a test and gain a license before they’re allowed to procreate:  a British man was busted for hiring a hooker to take his 14-year-old son’s virginity.
  9. It’s over, there’s a website for everything now.  Proving this is the YouStrip website, which includes some very not safe for work nudity from amateur strippers from around the globe.  It’s basically YouTube for strippers.  One of these days, I’m afraid these videos are going to come back to haunt these non-thinking girls.
  10. If you’re tired of the Twitter mania and are sick of lying to pretend your life is interesting, maybe these websites are for you.  My Life is Average and F My Life allow users to post details as to why their lives are just average or why they suck.
  11. And finally, if you think you’ve got skills, think again.  After watching this amazing video of this girl beat-boxing, it’s pretty clear that most of us have no real talent, especially compared to her.
You can count on the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet to keep bringing you the news you need to know.

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Kutcher Bitten Over CNN Bet

April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.

msvashton

The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills.  A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided.  Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.

At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense?  I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.”  Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher.  “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter.  And Ashton, you and CNN?  Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.”  Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous.  I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”

Things then took a turn for the worse.  Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers.  According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike.  She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder.  She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.”  Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face.  Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.

Onlookers were silenced and stunned.  Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!”  But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right.  I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.”  With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want.  Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love.  We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.

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Bauer vs. Bond

April 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Next week, the reporters at Thank God For the Internet have two very special, exclusive investigations to share.  First, we’ll expose shocking details on more celebrity Twitter Terrorists.  Secondly, in an undercover investigation, we’ve learned the Obama administration is considering adding a Facebook tax for all Americans.  This could be one of the most controversial stories of the decade, and we’ll bring you the chilling details next week.

In the mean time, it’s time for a weekend poll.  Who wins a fight between Jack Bauer and James Bond?  Keep in mind, there are no rules in this fight – anything goes.  So, who ya got?

bauervsbond


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Twitter Terrorists

twitter_logoApril 14, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have finished an exhaustive investigation and we’re able to deliver our exclusive findings on one of the world’s hottest subjects.  Twitter.

The Top 5 Key Findings:
  • While there’s potential, it ain’t that great.
  • Twitter is turning everyone into a narcissist.
  • Most people can’t spell or write properly and seem to have an education similar to the Somali pirates.
  • Unless people stop violating the rules, the hype and number of people Tweeting will rapidly decline and the service will become like Friendster or chat rooms; forgotten, second-class citizens in social networking.
  • Celebrities are ruining Twitter and are viewed as “Twitter Terrorists.”
We’ll leave our recommended “Rules of the Road” for another day, and focus on how some celebrities are ruining Twitter.  The following are stunningly ridiculous and verbatim Tweets from a high-profile, millionaire celebrity.  While these painful posts leave many wanting to cut themselves, they serve as further evidence the site may be headed for doom.  This Tweeter’s identity is being withheld for their own safety.

  1. on my way to work out! Need to sweat!!!!
  2. having my morning coffee. Making lunches for school and making oatmeal for all of us for breakfast.
  3. just picked vegetables from my garden for the first time. **** was so excited to see it growing. Making a colorful mixed green salad.
  4. cooking. Making my favorite spicy sauce for a fish barbeque today! I love Sundays.
  5. Just saw a shooting star!!! Making a big wish…
  6. drinking my morning coffee. My hair dresser is coming over at 9 to cut my hair.
  7. Going for a walk with the family to feed the horses.
  8. Grocery shopping for Easter barbeque tomorrow. ****** is picking out egg decorating kits for the kids.
  9. On our way Hm from the mountains. Just stopped for frozen yoghurt.
  10. Eating a giant plate of blue cotton candy.
Yes, those are real Tweets from a celebrity.  Our reporters then asked random Americans to review them, and the results were shocking.  We saw people convulse, throw-up, cry, pass out, punch walls, start itching themselves, launch profanity laced tirades, one guy pooped his pants, a couple fought and broke up, and a few people claimed they were now going to move to Canada.  And sadly, one girl who was very disturbed by the Tweets said, “I’m scared.  I want my mommy.”

This investigation leaves no doubt:  with every Tweet like the ones above, especially from celebrities, the “Who Cares” and “Shut the F**K Up” chants are growing louder and louder.  Most would like to see Twitter survive and reach its potential, but there are dark skies overhead, at least for now – the research doesn’t lie.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue investigating the “Twitter Terrorists” and provide updates when news breaks.


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