Monthly Archives: March 2009
March 31, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. If you missed part 1 of this shocking investigation into why the chicken crossed the road, click here and read it first before proceeding any further.
(Part 2) After being kicked out of the house by his wife for being addicted to Internet porn, Mr. Chicken was forced to live on the streets. He turned to a life of crime and drugs, and became a pimp. The chicken was living the high life, literally. Sex, drugs, and rock and roll became his way of life. According to our sources, he managed to survive without getting caught for about a year. But his crimes eventually caught-up with him and he was busted in a poultry prostitution sting.
After serving six-months in the pen, the chicken was back on the streets and feeling lonely and desperate. He felt he had no where to turn. In a sign of weakness, he scored some meth and headed for Reseda where he knew he could get back into the pimping game. Upon arrival in the valley, he was about to check-in on some old friends, but he noticed a porn shop across the road. As our source described it, the neon lights were calling his name and shaking him to the core. The chicken’s inner-demons sprung into action and made him very weak. He couldn’t resist. He had to cross the road and seek-out the porn he so desperately missed. He did it … he crossed the road at 11:15PM on July 16, 2007.
It was at this moment when our source realized he had just spilled the beans on one of the greatest mysteries of all time. He then began clamming up and didn’t offer many more solid details. But we did learn that after another year on the streets, the chicken decided to clean himself up. He has kicked his addictions to porn and meth and is living in a shelter for recovering addicts. He still enjoys a cold beer from time-to-time, but his life of hard drugs, prostitution, and porn is behind him. He has also apologized to his ex-wife, they’re on friendly terms now, and he visits the chicks on odd weekends.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog are happy this great mystery has finally been solved. We’re now trying to unlock the meaning of life. We’ll keep you posted.
March 30, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet, one of the world’s greatest mysteries has finally been solved. We now know why the chicken crossed the road. Porn. And he was also high on meth at the time. Our reporters were able to break this story after running into one of the chicken’s friends at a Hollywood party. According to sources, here’s how it all went down.
The tragic tale began in the summer of 2006. The infamous chicken family had finally saved enough money to buy a computer. It was something they desperately needed, as the two chicks were about to start school and would soon have homework assignments to complete. But that was the beginning of the end. Mr. Chicken became obsessed with the computer and quickly found himself surfing for bird porn late at night, while his unsuspecting and loving wife and chicks were sleeping.
Later that year, while emailing some friends, Mrs. Chicken discovered some mysterious looking files on the computer. She curiously opened them, and little did she know, life as she knew it would never be the same. The files contained graphic images of scantily clad chickens and other birds, in various provocative poses. Shocked and distraught, Mrs. Chicken confronted her husband and he admitted being addicted to bird porn.
Mama Chicken then booted him out of the coop. “Get lost, you sick pervert,” were her final words to her husband.
Part 2 of our investigation will be posted here tomorrow on Thank God For the Internet Blog. You’ll hear details of how the chicken ended up in jail, and for the first time ever, we’ll expose what happened on that fateful night in Reseda when the chicken finally crossed the road. We hope you’ll check back tomorrow for the shocking conclusion of this investigation.
March 25, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. For the second time in as many months, Barack Obama scheduled a primetime news conference that preempted must-see-TV and caused panic and anger across the nation. Some experts say it may have been a big mistake and his overall popularity may plummet.
Mario Owen, a political strategist, weighed-in on the debate by saying, “Americans are suffering enough these days. Barack can’t just take away things like American Idol whenever he wants. When viewers tune-in on a Tuesday night and unexpectedly see the President instead of Simon Cowell, it can cause a range of emotions, from panic to madness. And both can have a negative effect on his Presidency.”
Not surprisingly, many agree with Owens’ comments. “Being a New Yorker, when I turn on the TV and see Obama instead of NCIS in prime time, I fear the worst has happened. I ran to my windows and looked for smoke and listened for sirens. Thank God he was just doing a press conference on the economy,” said Vinnie Nash. And Phoenix resident, Tracy Melbourne felt a different type of fear. “I know the economy is in shambles. When I saw re-runs on every channel, I figured the TV networks had finally gone bankrupt and we’d never ever get a new show again. I cried until I found out what was really going on.”
Even President Obama’s biggest fans are miffed at his latest move. “I love the man, I voted for him. But I have had it up-to-here with him screwing up my TV schedule. I was buzzed, in my shorts, and ready to watch The Mentalist. But I got a re-run because of this economy crap.” Another anonymous fan had one simple message for the President. “This is not change we can believe in, and it’s not the change we voted for. Stop effing-up our TV and give us back our Idol.”
Obama’s speech was broadcast live across the nation at 8 p.m. eastern standard time, right in the middle of prime time. Viewers on the west coast got re-runs of their favorite shows in their regular timeslots. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.
March 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. On the heels of his ‘Mall Cop’ movie raking in over $150-million worldwide, one of Paul Blart’s biggest dreams has just come true. The Pentagon announced they’ve appointed him as the new War on Terror Czar.
While speaking with reporters, Admiral Burroughs said, “The world saw how Paul kept his cool, captured the terrorists, and saved the hostages in the mall crisis. That is exactly the kind of courage, talent, and brains we need the win the war on terror.” And commander Stevens agrees, “Paul Blart is the type of leader our troops will want to fight for. This isn’t a traditional war. Winning isn’t about dropping bombs and firing bullets. To defeat such an elusive enemy, we need someone who thinks outside the box and comes up with creative solutions. Those are Paul’s strengths; and that’s why he’s our man for job.”
While American’s now sense some relief and renewed optimism that a strategy for winning the war on terror has finally arrived, the enemy welcomes the new czar to the battlefield. In a prepared video statement, Osama bin Laden said, “Paul Blart may be able to take down some shoppers at a mall, but his Segway scooter won’t climb Afghanistan’s mountains of death. He’s fat, doesn’t carry a guy, and can’t even wire an explosive device. And besides, the movie sucked, I didn’t even get the jokes. Allah will prevail and the white devil Zionists will soon die.” Osama closed out his video with a personal message to Blart, “Bring it on, mall cop.”
When reached for comment, Blart said, “I saw the face of evil that day in the mall, and I won. I even got the girl. I’ve spent my whole life preparing for this challenge. I’m going to kick ass, take names, and save the world. The terrorists will die once and for all.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.
March 23, 2009. Santa Monica, CA. People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals (“PETA”) may have another target in their sights. Cage the Elephant, an American rock band, may earn the dubious distinction of being the latest addition to PETA’s hit list. And while tempers are flaring and protests are planned, fans on both side of the aisle are prepared for a long, viscous fight.
An alleged PETA representative said, “While we’re not sure if the band actually has an elephant in a cage, we have grave concerns about the message such a band name sends. We’re afraid fans will start caging elephants and bringing them to concerts. And that’s torture; animals don’t like hard rock or cages.” A member of the band’s fan club disagrees with PETA’s alleged claims and commented, “People need to chill out. I’ve never seen an elephant at any of their concerts. And besides, even if they wanted to, they can’t afford a truck big enough to carry around an elephant in a cage.”
The band is currently on tour in support of their debut album which will be released this summer. Their single, “Aint No Rest For the Wicked,” is gaining a lot of airplay, but the band’s new found success is what has some PETA sympathizers on their trail. “There is no way I’ll let some rock band from Kentucky throw elephants in cages and profit from it,” said Jenny Bry, a long-time animal activist. “First it was circuses, then movies like Babar and Dumbo, and now rock bands are exploiting elephants. This must stop. We’ll protest outside every one of their concerts if we have to.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will keep an eye on this story and provide updates when news breaks.