March 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Some of Hollywood’s A-listers are fuming mad and speaking out against TV’s hit reality show, Dancing With the Stars. “That show has no stars and I find it incredibly offensive for them to claim they do,” said George Clooney. “I am a star, the chick from the Bachelor isn’t. I can’t believe the public is buying this crap.”
The show’s producers have responded to the allegations by saying ‘star’ is a relative term and doesn’t necessarily mean a million dollar actor. “Mr. Clooney doesn’t have to like our show and no one has a gun to his head forcing him to watch. But the truth is, while we may not have his swanky friends like Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, we have stars in the eyes of many, and we demand an apology,” said a spokeswoman for ABC’s Monday night hit.
Most in Hollywood are not buying the show’s defense. “They can’t handle the truth,” said a furious Jack Nicholson. “Nancy O’Dell, while she may be cute and have legs for days, and I know she left the show due to an injury, is not a star. She can’t even get a ticket to the Oscars. She’s quarantined outside and forced to beg me to do an interview for that gossip show of hers.” And Jennifer Aniston, who was recently seen holding a “Stars Don’t Dance” sign at a protest, supports her fellow A-listers. “Who is Steve Wosniak? He’s a computer geek, not a star. I’m gonna barf.” Then Aniston made it even more personal and went after Holly Madison. “A star? Holly Madison? She might sleep with stars, she might be a star in the bedroom, but what has she ever done that requires true talent? I’d like to see her cry on command, act like she’s in love with someone like Ross, or do scenes with a dog like I did in Marley & Me.”
While SAG (the Screen Actors Guild) doesn’t want to get involved in such an ugly battle, many of their members are demanding the union bring sanctions against Dancing With the Stars. A public relations assistant explained the situation. “Our members move to Hollywood to become big stars, not B-level celebrities on a dancing reality show. This is hurting our image. We represent true talent, not computer programmers, gossip journalists, or retired athletes.” To put a sharp point on the union’s position, SAG’s chief legal counsel said this today. “We are prepared to block Dancing With the Stars from using SAG members if they don’t meet our demands and discontinue their use of the word ‘star.'”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.