April 2, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Move over Flo Rida, America has a new #1 song, “Five-Dollar Footlong.” The massive hit was first heard by fans in a Subway sandwich commercial, and it has rocketed up the charts ever since. Experts say it isn’t showing any signs of slowing down and may be #1 for weeks.
Legendary producer, Rick Rubin said, “This song is amazing. The production values are superb, the harmonies are gorgeous, and the chorus gets stuck in your head and won’t let go.” Rubin then bestowed the highest of honors on the song and band. “I wish I had produced this hit, it’s Beatles-esque.” But Flo Rida had a very different opinion when he was reached for comment about being bumped from Billboard’s top spot. “This is some messed-up bullsh*t. I’m gonna pop a cap in some fools for taking my spot, yo.”
Subway executive, Brendan Burch, is a bit surprised at how the song has exploded onto the national scene. “I guess this is why I’m in the sandwich business, not the music industry. We thought it was a catchy riff for a commercial, but none of us expected it to become such a big hit.” He went on to say, “I hear people singing ‘Five-Dollar Footlong’ everywhere I go. And inside our stores, it’s nuts; customers will start singing it together and raising their hands like they’re at a concert.”
The band that wrote and recorded the song, The Jareds, collectively tell the story of their rise to fame. “It happened so fast. We were roofing houses a few months ago, and an ad agency friend asked us to write the song for Subway. It first hit TV, then radio started playing it, and then we knew our lives were going to change forever.” The band’s manager, Jay Cutler, says more big things are on the horizon for The Jareds. “The guys will be on Letterman this week, they’re going on tour with the Jonas Brothers, and they were just asked to open for Michael Jackson during his final shows in London. After that, it’s a stadium tour of their own and hopefully receiving the Grammy for song of the year.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following The Jareds and provide updates when news breaks.