Tag Archives: American Idol

Celebs Added to Terrorist Watch List

fbimostwantedApril 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent.  Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.

While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list.  “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough.  You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran.  We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”

As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.

  • Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world.  And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for.  Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
  • American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven.  If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used.  We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
  • Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.”  She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy.  He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail.  We will get ‘er done.
  • Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is.  If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out.  Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex.  We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop.  They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy.  We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
  • Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message.  We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
  • Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do.  Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets.  We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden.  Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
  • Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business.  We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems.  And he’s not a miracle worker.  His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever.  The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
  • Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead.  Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
  • The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful.  They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues.  Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones.  As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.
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Prime Time Blunder?

barackMarch 25, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. For the second time in as many months, Barack Obama scheduled a primetime news conference that preempted must-see-TV and caused panic and anger across the nation.  Some experts say it may have been a big mistake and his overall popularity may plummet.

Mario Owen, a political strategist, weighed-in on the debate by saying, “Americans are suffering enough these days.  Barack can’t just take away things like American Idol whenever he wants.  When viewers tune-in on a Tuesday night and unexpectedly see the President instead of Simon Cowell, it can cause a range of emotions, from panic to madness.  And both can have a negative effect on his Presidency.”

Not surprisingly, many agree with Owens’ comments.  “Being a New Yorker, when I turn on the TV and see Obama instead of NCIS in prime time, I fear the worst has happened.  I ran to my windows and looked for smoke and listened for sirens.  Thank God he was just doing a press conference on the economy,” said Vinnie Nash.  And Phoenix resident, Tracy Melbourne felt a different type of fear.  “I know the economy is in shambles.  When I saw re-runs on every channel, I figured the TV networks had finally gone bankrupt and we’d never ever get a new show again.  I cried until I found out what was really going on.”

Even President Obama’s biggest fans are miffed at his latest move. “I love the man, I voted for him.  But I have had it up-to-here with him screwing up my TV schedule.  I was buzzed, in my shorts, and ready to watch The Mentalist. But I got a re-run because of this economy crap.”  Another anonymous fan had one simple message for the President.  “This is not change we can believe in, and it’s not the change we voted for.  Stop effing-up our TV and give us back our Idol.”

Obama’s speech was broadcast live across the nation at 8 p.m. eastern standard time, right in the middle of prime time.  Viewers on the west coast got re-runs of their favorite shows in their regular timeslots.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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Claim: Idol Causing Alcoholism

idoljudgesMarch 17, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As many look forward to tonight’s episode, critics are leveling serious charges against America’s #1 show. Is American Idol causing a massive growth in alcoholism among viewers? The director of Drunks R Bad thinks so and said, “People love their drinking games, and American Idol is #1 in that area, too. When millions play the ‘Idol drinking game’ a few times each week, you can see how a plague would begin to form. And it has.”

The game in question is called “I’m Drunk, Dogg.” It’s based on watching American Idol and drinking whenever one of the four judges uses a speech crutch. An avid player further explained the concept. “It’s simple. Pick a few of the speech crutches you think the judges will use, like yo; dogg; dude; man; you know; you know what; or I mean. When you hear any of them, it’s time to drink.” He went on to say, “It’s the best game ever. I always end up blasted. Randy said ‘you know what’ ten times last week. And tonight will be awesome; we’ll use green beer to celebrate St. Patrick’s Day.”

Authorities are pleading with the show’s producers for help. “We love the show and the judges, but alcoholism is no laughing matter. It’s time for Randy, Kara, Paula, and Simon to realize they can be role models, and speak out against alcoholism by not using speech crutches all the time,” said the head of the Anti-Idol Drinking Society.

Fans are quick to defend the show, saying TV drinking games have been around for years and laying blame on one show is unfair. “They can outlaw this game, but people will find another show to get drunk with. The only way to stop this is to eliminate television,” said a liquor store manager. Another fan had this to say. “Yo, you know what, dude? For me, I mean, you know; I love how the judges speak, it’s hot. ”

Calls to American Idol producers have not been returned. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks. Further, we urge all Americans to either drink responsibly or not at all.

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