May 16, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the creation of the new Barguments iPhone app, the most important questions facing the world can now be answered. But some think this new iPhone app may create more conflict and possibly more wars, as the questions are sure to spark fierce debate.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got a sneak-peek into some of the 150+ controversial questions in the app. A few…
- Is 40 too old for Facebook?
- Could you cut Superman with a lightsaber?
- Who wins a fight between Larry King and Bob Barker?
News of Barguments being in the iTunes store is spreading fast, and leaders from around the globe have been quick to comment on this buzzworthy app. “People are tired of arguing over politics, it’s unproductive and passé at this point,” said a UN spokesman. “We should be focused on debating the more important issues, like whether or not muscular women look sexy, which Spears sister is the better mother, or who would win a barroom brawl between a baseball team and a basketball team?”
Not surprisingly, Democrats and Republicans are lining up along party lines. But while most officials are looking towards the positive benefits of healthy debate, law enforcement officials are prepared for tension. “We believe these types of debates, while certainly contentious, should heal society’s wounds,” said police chief McAdams. “But you never know what can happen. We’ve seen violence erupt over these types of disagreements before. When people start debating who would get the headlining slot if the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin played a concert together, tempers can really flare. Our men and women in blue will be ready to prevent bloodshed.”
If you’d like to download a copy of the Barguments iPhone app and help heal the world through open debate, click here. The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks. And by the way, Bob Barker could take Larry King in a fight. And while it pains us to say this, the Rolling Stones would probably headline over Led Zeppelin, though that’s not our choice.
April 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As promised for over a week, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are prepared to unveil details of a shocking investigation. Now that the number of unique visitors on Facebook has surpassed the population of Brazil, the Obama administration is seeing green and is prepared to announce a “Facebook Tax.”
A senior White House official said, “We’ve pretty much taxed everything but Facebook. And now that the number of unique visitors has surpassed 200 million, it’s time to start cashing in.” He went on to say, “The country is facing an economic crisis, but if we start taxing people for the amount of time they spend on Facebook, we’ll be out of this mess by the end of summer.”
In a statement that supports his colleagues, United States Secretary of Treasury, Timothy Geithner said, “I love Facebook as much as anyone; I even filled out one of those 25 things lists and I love that I can keep track of everyone’s birthday. But it’s easy to connect the dots here. Facebook is as big an enemy as al Qaeda. Why are Americans losing jobs and not buying homes or cars? Because they spend all goddamn day on Facebook. It’s time we take our country back, and put the social networking nemesis in its place.”
Geithner then announced details of the tax. “Each time someone logs in to Facebook, it will cost 99-cents. That’s the equivalent of buying a song on iTunes, so it’s not that big of a deal. This will allow each user to spend 15 minutes per-day on the site and they can post 2 status updates.” But then tougher news came for Facebook addicts. “If someone wants to spend more than 15 minutes on the site or post more than 2 updates, they certainly can, we support freedom, but they’ll face additional taxes. But of course, the more money you make, the more you’ll be taxed, because that’s how we do things these days. So, if you’re poor or a dropout, no worries, you won’t pay as much as someone who has actually has a good job.”
Economists have analyzed this proposed tax and claim the United States, due to the amazing number of people spending time on Facebook, would surpass the Arab nations in being the wealthiest in the world in less than a few weeks. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this shocking story and provide updates when more news breaks.
April 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Next week, the reporters at Thank God For the Internet have two very special, exclusive investigations to share. First, we’ll expose shocking details on more celebrity Twitter Terrorists. Secondly, in an undercover investigation, we’ve learned the Obama administration is considering adding a Facebook tax for all Americans. This could be one of the most controversial stories of the decade, and we’ll bring you the chilling details next week.
In the mean time, it’s time for a weekend poll. Who wins a fight between Jack Bauer and James Bond? Keep in mind, there are no rules in this fight – anything goes. So, who ya got?