Tag Archives: George Clooney

Kutcher Bitten Over CNN Bet

April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.

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The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills.  A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided.  Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.

At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense?  I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.”  Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher.  “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter.  And Ashton, you and CNN?  Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.”  Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous.  I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”

Things then took a turn for the worse.  Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers.  According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike.  She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder.  She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.”  Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face.  Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.

Onlookers were silenced and stunned.  Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!”  But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right.  I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.”  With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want.  Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love.  We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.
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Celebs Added to Terrorist Watch List

fbimostwantedApril 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent.  Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.

While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list.  “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough.  You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran.  We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”

As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.

  • Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world.  And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for.  Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
  • American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven.  If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used.  We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
  • Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.”  She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy.  He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail.  We will get ‘er done.
  • Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is.  If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out.  Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex.  We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop.  They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy.  We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
  • Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message.  We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
  • Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do.  Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets.  We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden.  Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
  • Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business.  We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems.  And he’s not a miracle worker.  His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever.  The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
  • Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead.  Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
  • The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful.  They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues.  Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones.  As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.

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Clooney, Nicholson Blast Hit Show

dwtsMarch 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Some of Hollywood’s A-listers are fuming mad and speaking out against TV’s hit reality show, Dancing With the Stars.  “That show has no stars and I find it incredibly offensive for them to claim they do,” said George Clooney.  “I am a star, the chick from the Bachelor isn’t.  I can’t believe the public is buying this crap.”

The show’s producers have responded to the allegations by saying ‘star’ is a relative term and doesn’t necessarily mean a million dollar actor.  “Mr. Clooney doesn’t have to like our show and no one has a gun to his head forcing him to watch.  But the truth is, while we may not have his swanky friends like Julia Roberts or Brad Pitt, we have stars in the eyes of many, and we demand an apology,” said a spokeswoman for ABC’s Monday night hit.

Most in Hollywood are not buying the show’s defense.  “They can’t handle the truth,” said a furious Jack Nicholson.  “Nancy O’Dell, while she may be cute and have legs for days, and I know she left the show due to an injury, is not a star.  She can’t even get a ticket to the Oscars.  She’s quarantined outside and forced to beg me to do an interview for that gossip show of hers.” And Jennifer Aniston, who was recently seen holding a “Stars Don’t Dance” sign at a protest, supports her fellow A-listers.  “Who is Steve Wosniak?  He’s a computer geek, not a star.  I’m gonna barf.”  Then Aniston made it even more personal and went after Holly Madison.  “A star?  Holly Madison?  She might sleep with stars, she might be a star in the bedroom, but what has she ever done that requires true talent?  I’d like to see her cry on command, act like she’s in love with someone like Ross, or do scenes with a dog like I did in Marley & Me.”

While SAG (the Screen Actors Guild) doesn’t want to get involved in such an ugly battle, many of their members are demanding the union bring sanctions against Dancing With the Stars.  A public relations assistant explained the situation. “Our members move to Hollywood to become big stars, not B-level celebrities on a dancing reality show.  This is hurting our image. We represent true talent, not computer programmers, gossip journalists, or retired athletes.”  To put a sharp point on the union’s position, SAG’s chief legal counsel said this today.  “We are prepared to block Dancing With the Stars from using SAG members if they don’t meet our demands and discontinue their use of the word ‘star.'”

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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