Tag Archives: Paris Hilton

Lauper Shock: Girls Aren’t Having Fun

cyndilJuly 31, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven’t been returned, Cyndi Lauper has dropped a bomb on the country by saying girls aren’t having fun anymore.  And she may pull her hit song “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” from shelves and have it deleted from iPods across the world.

According to sources, Lauper was dining with friends at a Venice Beach bistro when she went on the shocking rant. “Look at Erin Andrews or Kate Gosselin.  What about Paris, Britney, Rhianna, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan?  Do you think any of these girls are having fun?  They’re not!  This isn’t the America I want to live in and I should have never recorded ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun.’”

nofunAs the tirade continued, Lauper added, “Gain 40-pounds and you’re labeled fat.  Forget to wear underwear or show your hoo-hahs and you’re a slut.  Do drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you’re a celeb-u-wreck.  It’s like having fun is a disease or something.”  Cyndi’s rant concluded with her blaming everything on the media, the economy, douchebag men, jealous bitches, and George W. Bush.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet beg to differ and cite the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs as proof that girls are still having fun, but we could be wrong.  We’ll continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.


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The Best of Carl’s Jr.

carlsjrrgbMay 16, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love Carl’s Jr.  And the research clearly shows that if you don’t like their burgers, you probably hate America and all things that are very good.

For the weekend poll, we ask you which Carl’s Jr. commercial is the best of all-time?  Please watch and vote, this is very important.
The Bull
The Girlfriend
The Busted Boyfriend
The Crying Game

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April is Dying

bushsadApril 29, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The world is in shock, as doctors say April is dying and she’s in her final hours.  “It’s not looking good, unfortunately.  We don’t see her lasting through the week,” said Dr. Morganstein.

As news of April’s imminent death spread across the globe, mourners began gathering to pay their final respects to the beloved month.  “Words cannot express my sorrow.  I don’t understand why she has to go so soon,” said Bill Buckley.  Another mourner shared a similar view.  “It seems like it was just a few weeks ago when we got to know her.  I can’t believe I’ll wake up in two days and she’ll be gone.  Life is short and very cruel.”

paris-cryingApril’s priest addressed the crowd and asked them to remember the blessings her life brought all of us.  “April will soon be in God’s hands, and her passing should remind all of us to live life to its fullest, to love unconditionally, and live by the golden rule.”  He continued by saying, “And remember the good times you spent with April.  She brought us the Final Four, Easter, High Five Day, some great playoff basketball, the Grilled Cheese Festival in Los Angeles, and some awesome new iPhone apps.  She’d like you to remember her with love and carry on her spirit in your life.”

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet send our deepest condolences to April’s family and friends.

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Kutcher Bitten Over CNN Bet

April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.


The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills.  A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided.  Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.

At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense?  I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.”  Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher.  “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter.  And Ashton, you and CNN?  Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.”  Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous.  I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”

Things then took a turn for the worse.  Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers.  According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike.  She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder.  She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.”  Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face.  Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.

Onlookers were silenced and stunned.  Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!”  But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right.  I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.”  With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want.  Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love.  We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.

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