April 27, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While he’s not in any danger, Ashton Kutcher was bitten by Ms. Vampy over the weekend. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got an eyewitness account of how it all went down.
The two were hanging out with other celebrities at Ms. Vampy’s Villa in the Hollywood Hills. A raucous discussion over Twitter began, and the room was quickly divided. Twitter addicts like Kutcher, Brooke Burke and Shaq were defending the social networking platform, while Ms. Vampy, George Clooney and Paris Hilton we’re quick to counter with the pointless nature of most Tweets.
At one point, Ms. Vampy was overhead saying to Brooke Burke, “Honey, who cares with this nonsense? I could go my whole life without knowing you’re picking vegetables from your garden or eating blue cotton candy.” Then the vampiress zeroed in on Shaq and Kutcher. “Shaq, sweetie, maybe you’d be in the playoffs if you spent more time on your game and less of it on Twitter. And Ashton, you and CNN? Enough already what that whole contest, you’re ruining America.” Kutcher quickly retaliated by saying, “You’re just jealous. I have 1.4 million followers, you have 31.”
Things then took a turn for the worse. Kutcher ventured into the corner, turned his back to everyone, and pulled out his iPhone and started Tweeting details of what was going on to all of his followers. According to sources, Ms. Vampy had seen enough and decided to strike. She moved towards Kutcher and put her hand on his shoulder. She whispered into his ear, “I’m sorry, baby.” Sensing an apology, Kutcher seemed to relax and a grin came over his face. Then Ms. Vampy struck, while he was vulnerable, passionately biting the star on his neck.
Onlookers were silenced and stunned. Paris Hilton began screaming, “NO, NO, NO, leave Ashton alone!” But in a surprising move, Kutcher sheepishly said, “I’m so sorry; you’re right. I’m addicted to Twitter and I’ve got to clean up my act. Thanks, Ms. Vampy, you just saved my life and probably my marriage.” With the problem then resolved, guests went back to their wild partying, which included beer pong and an adult version of ‘Truth or Dare’ in the hot tub.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet heard from Ms. Vampy and found out she still loves Ashton, they’re on good terms, and that she’s also agreed to bite anyone you want. Just click here to download a pic and put it on that picture you love. We’ll continue following Ms. Vampy and let you know if she bites anyone else in her attempt to rid the world of evil.