July 31, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven’t been returned, Cyndi Lauper has dropped a bomb on the country by saying girls aren’t having fun anymore. And she may pull her hit song “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” from shelves and have it deleted from iPods across the world.
According to sources, Lauper was dining with friends at a Venice Beach bistro when she went on the shocking rant. “Look at Erin Andrews or Kate Gosselin. What about Paris, Britney, Rhianna, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan? Do you think any of these girls are having fun? They’re not! This isn’t the America I want to live in and I should have never recorded ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun.’”
As the tirade continued, Lauper added, “Gain 40-pounds and you’re labeled fat. Forget to wear underwear or show your hoo-hahs and you’re a slut. Do drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you’re a celeb-u-wreck. It’s like having fun is a disease or something.” Cyndi’s rant concluded with her blaming everything on the media, the economy, douchebag men, jealous bitches, and George W. Bush.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet beg to differ and cite the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs as proof that girls are still having fun, but we could be wrong. We’ll continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.
May 16, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the creation of the new Barguments iPhone app, the most important questions facing the world can now be answered. But some think this new iPhone app may create more conflict and possibly more wars, as the questions are sure to spark fierce debate.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got a sneak-peek into some of the 150+ controversial questions in the app. A few…
- Is 40 too old for Facebook?
- Could you cut Superman with a lightsaber?
- Who wins a fight between Larry King and Bob Barker?
News of Barguments being in the iTunes store is spreading fast, and leaders from around the globe have been quick to comment on this buzzworthy app. “People are tired of arguing over politics, it’s unproductive and passé at this point,” said a UN spokesman. “We should be focused on debating the more important issues, like whether or not muscular women look sexy, which Spears sister is the better mother, or who would win a barroom brawl between a baseball team and a basketball team?”
Not surprisingly, Democrats and Republicans are lining up along party lines. But while most officials are looking towards the positive benefits of healthy debate, law enforcement officials are prepared for tension. “We believe these types of debates, while certainly contentious, should heal society’s wounds,” said police chief McAdams. “But you never know what can happen. We’ve seen violence erupt over these types of disagreements before. When people start debating who would get the headlining slot if the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin played a concert together, tempers can really flare. Our men and women in blue will be ready to prevent bloodshed.”
If you’d like to download a copy of the Barguments iPhone app and help heal the world through open debate, click here. The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks. And by the way, Bob Barker could take Larry King in a fight. And while it pains us to say this, the Rolling Stones would probably headline over Led Zeppelin, though that’s not our choice.
April 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have a few breaking news updates.
AC/DC still rocks. Here’s “Hells Bells” live in Spain. BTW – Angus turned 54 a few days ago. Let’s see your dad do this.
Green Day is still the coolest Alt Rock band around. Here’s a clip of their new single, which was used as the intro to the NCAA championship game last Monday. The song will be out later this week.
Britney says hello to Sacramento, but she was in San Jose.
April 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent. Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.
While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list. “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough. You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran. We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”
As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.
Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world. And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for. Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven. If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used. We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
- Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.” She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action. (Editor’s note: We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy. He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail. We will get ‘er done.
Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is. If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out. Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex. We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop. They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows. (Editor’s note: We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy. We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message. We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
- Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do. Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets. We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business. We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems. And he’s not a miracle worker. His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever. The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead. Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful. They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues. Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones. As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.