Tag Archives: Dr. Phil

Barbie Goes Wild!

barbieJuly 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children’s doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior.  Barbie’s new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

“All parents go through ups and downs with their kids,” said one of Barbie’s parents at Mattel, Inc. “But this is quite serious; her life is spiraling out of control. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call in the middle of the night saying she’s overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to Honduras with strangers.”

DrPhilSome experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV’s Dr. Phil said, “In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie’s constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she’s not confident in who she is.” He went on to say, “Unless she starts believing in herself, she’ll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead.”

DrDrewDr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. “She has to get rid of Ken, too. He’s not good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior – especially evident by her new ‘Ken’ tattoo.”  He continued by saying, “Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it’s not there already.”  Barbie’s dad concurs. “Ken is a disastrous force and I’ll deal with him; man to man.”

Barbie’s parents went on to say they’re planning an intervention, but until then it’s touch and go. “The first step is to find her. We don’t know where she is and she’s not answering her cell.” Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location using the GPS chip in her phone.  Reportedly, the crew at “CSI: Miami” are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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Celebs Added to Terrorist Watch List

fbimostwantedApril 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent.  Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.

While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list.  “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough.  You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran.  We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”

As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.

  • Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world.  And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for.  Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
  • American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven.  If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used.  We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
  • Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.”  She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy.  He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail.  We will get ‘er done.
  • Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is.  If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out.  Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex.  We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop.  They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows.  (Editor’s note:  We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
  • Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy.  We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
  • Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message.  We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
  • Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do.  Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets.  We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden.  Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
  • Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business.  We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems.  And he’s not a miracle worker.  His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever.  The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
  • Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead.  Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
  • The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful.  They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues.  Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones.  As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.

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