July 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children’s doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior. Barbie’s new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.
“All parents go through ups and downs with their kids,” said one of Barbie’s parents at Mattel, Inc. “But this is quite serious; her life is spiraling out of control. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call in the middle of the night saying she’s overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to Honduras with strangers.”
Some experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV’s Dr. Phil said, “In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie’s constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she’s not confident in who she is.” He went on to say, “Unless she starts believing in herself, she’ll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead.”
Dr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. “She has to get rid of Ken, too. He’s not good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior – especially evident by her new ‘Ken’ tattoo.” He continued by saying, “Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it’s not there already.” Barbie’s dad concurs. “Ken is a disastrous force and I’ll deal with him; man to man.”
Barbie’s parents went on to say they’re planning an intervention, but until then it’s touch and go. “The first step is to find her. We don’t know where she is and she’s not answering her cell.” Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location using the GPS chip in her phone. Reportedly, the crew at “CSI: Miami” are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.