Monthly Archives: July 2009

Lauper Shock: Girls Aren’t Having Fun

cyndilJuly 31, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While calls to her camp haven’t been returned, Cyndi Lauper has dropped a bomb on the country by saying girls aren’t having fun anymore.  And she may pull her hit song “Girls Just Want to Have Fun” from shelves and have it deleted from iPods across the world.

According to sources, Lauper was dining with friends at a Venice Beach bistro when she went on the shocking rant. “Look at Erin Andrews or Kate Gosselin.  What about Paris, Britney, Rhianna, Jessica Simpson or Lindsay Lohan?  Do you think any of these girls are having fun?  They’re not!  This isn’t the America I want to live in and I should have never recorded ‘Girls Just Want to Have Fun.’”

nofunAs the tirade continued, Lauper added, “Gain 40-pounds and you’re labeled fat.  Forget to wear underwear or show your hoo-hahs and you’re a slut.  Do drugs, get a DUI, or enter rehab and you’re a celeb-u-wreck.  It’s like having fun is a disease or something.”  Cyndi’s rant concluded with her blaming everything on the media, the economy, douchebag men, jealous bitches, and George W. Bush.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet beg to differ and cite the “Girls Gone Wild” DVDs as proof that girls are still having fun, but we could be wrong.  We’ll continue investigating this story and provide updates when news breaks.


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July 25, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet embark on the final weekend of our West Wing marathon assignment (we will have finished all 42 DVDs by the end of Sunday night), we felt the following weekend poll was appropriate:

Which TV President would you like to have as the real POTUS?  We’ll give you the four best choices, but if you prefer someone else, feel free to let us know.

  1. Is it Martin Sheen who played President Bartlet on The West Wing?
  2. How about Dennis Haysbert who played President Palmer on 24?
  3. Do you prefer a female president; maybe Geena Davis as President Allen in Commander in Chief?
  4. What about another woman who kicked some ass in the oval office; Cherry Jones as President Taylor on 24?

TV Presidents

Stand up for Democracy and elect our best TV President.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will return on Monday with more exclusive news.

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What A Day!

July 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. While fixated on things like health care and global warming, the mainstream media has once again missed the boat.

1.  Today is “Tell An Old Joke Day.”  The brunette asked the blonde, “Should we cut our pizza into six pieces or twelve?”  “Six please,” said the blonde, “we could never eat twelve.”  Go tell some jokes today.


2.  The Kapuskasing Lumberjack Heritage Festival begins today and runs through the weekend. The festival includes events like The Axe Throw, Chainsaw Bucking, and rolling logs through an obstacle course.  How is ESPN not all over this?  Men will be throwing axes and they may end up fighting with chainsaws — this makes MMA look like a thumb war — why isn’t this on TV?


3.  Today is “Drive-Thru Day.”  At an early press conference, President Obama said, “I inherited this economy and the previous administration did nothing to promote the Drive-Thru business.  Unless you want the government to spend trillions of dollars bailing out fast food joints, it’s important all Americans go get some fries or a taco immediately.  If anyone becomes obese, don’t worry, my health care bill will cover that.”


4.  Today is “National Tequila Day.”  ‘Nuff said.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue to bring you the news you need to know while the mainstream media is asleep at the wheel.

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July 23, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet know Americans are still struggling to cope with the loss of some of the country’s most loveable people.  In the past few weeks alone, Americans have suffered through the passing of Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Steve McNair, Walter Cronkite, and Michael Jackson to name a few.  But late Tuesday night, the country suffered another devastating blow.

Gidget, best known as the Taco Bell dog, died of a stroke at the age of 15, which is approximately 85-years-old to us humans.  We hope you’ll observe a moment of silence in Gidget’s honor – she was a good girl.  We leave you with this classic commercial, which clearly show’s how talented the loveable pooch was.  The world has lost another hero.   Rest in peace, little buddy.

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Barbie Goes Wild!

barbieJuly 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children’s doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior.  Barbie’s new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

“All parents go through ups and downs with their kids,” said one of Barbie’s parents at Mattel, Inc. “But this is quite serious; her life is spiraling out of control. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call in the middle of the night saying she’s overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to Honduras with strangers.”

DrPhilSome experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV’s Dr. Phil said, “In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie’s constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she’s not confident in who she is.” He went on to say, “Unless she starts believing in herself, she’ll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead.”

DrDrewDr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. “She has to get rid of Ken, too. He’s not good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior – especially evident by her new ‘Ken’ tattoo.”  He continued by saying, “Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it’s not there already.”  Barbie’s dad concurs. “Ken is a disastrous force and I’ll deal with him; man to man.”

Barbie’s parents went on to say they’re planning an intervention, but until then it’s touch and go. “The first step is to find her. We don’t know where she is and she’s not answering her cell.” Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location using the GPS chip in her phone.  Reportedly, the crew at “CSI: Miami” are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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July 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love and we thought we’d spread some of their holiday cheer.  Enjoy.


See you in the morning with a shocking report about Barbie going wild.

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To Play or Not?

Michael Vick FootballJuly 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In the interest of public trust and journalistic integrity, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet feel it’s our duty to ask the tough questions.  We’ve asked you to rank the greatest Carl’s Jr. commercials of all-time, you told us who would win a fight between Spock and Luke, and you’ve settled many other controversial debates, too.

But today we need to straighten out the Michael Vick dilemma.  It’s likely he’ll be reinstated to the NFL, but will a team actually sign him or will the public outcry prevent a team from taking the public relations risk?  Stand-up for Democracy and vote.

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