February 7, 2010 – Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have been spending months overseas conducting a covert investigation, but we’ve returned to our homeland and the daily reporting in this space will resume again soon.
Now that we’re back, our first order of business is to urge all Americans to do their part today and watch the Super Bowl. And in an attempt to make the whole thing more enjoyable, we’ve put together our 2010 edition of the “Super Stupid Pool.”
Have fun. Make up your own rules and add your own questions. But consider assigning “points” for each correct answer. We’ve included loosely recommended points for each question.
- Will the National Anthem be over or under two minutes? (3 points)
- Which team will win the coin toss? (2 points)
- It’s reported that Kim Kardashian’s bust + hips measurement is 73 inches. Will Reggie Bush gain more than 73 yards in the Super Bowl (including rushing and receiving, but not kick returns)? (3 points)
- Once the game has started, which type of commercial will we see first – erectile dysfunction, beer, soda, car, website, fast food, other? (4 points)
- From which brand will we see the first beer commercial (must be specific – “Budweiser” and “Bud Light” are different answers)? (4 points)
- After kickoff, which cheerleaders will get the first close-up? (3 points)
- Which QB will throw the first touchdown? (2 points)
- Will Dwight Freeney get a sack in the game? (3 points)
- Which player will score the first touchdown? (6 points)
- Will there be a fumble lost in the first quarter? (3 points)
- Will a streaker run onto the field at any point during the game? (2 points)
- Which team will be leading at halftime, or will it be tied? (3 points)
- The Who’s halftime set will include which songs, and in what order? (4 points)
- Once the game has started and until the final whistle, how many separate times will CBS show Kim Kardashian? (4 points)
- Will there be an interception by either team in the third quarter? (3 points)
- Will Manning or Brees miss any plays due to injury? (3 points)
- Will the winning points be scored in the last minute of the game? (4 points)
- Which team will win? (3 points)
- How many total points will be scored? (if correct, 10 points)
April 30, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Marking 100 days in office, Barack Obama once again interrupted prime time television programming for another live press conference/speech. And while most of the news media is focused on things they call “news,” like the economy, swine flu (er H1N1), or the inexcusable Air Force One photo-op that costs taxpayers $330,000, there’s a lot of other news that’s going unnoticed. Therefore, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet wanted to bring you up-to-date on some of the things you should know.
- Kim Kardashian did a photo spread for Life & Style and she wouldn’t let them airbrush the photos. So, they show her au naturel, with some (sexy) cellulite. AOL felt this was such a BIG news story they posted it on their homepage.
- In Mexico, taco stands have been shut down and 176 soccer games will be without fans, both due to the swine flu. No bueno.
- In Iran, the Jew-hating Mahmoud Ahmadinejad is running for re-election and he’s using a campaign slogan familiar to us Americans – “Yes, We Can.” The trouble is he means, “Yes, we can wipe Israel off the map, kill anyone who doesn’t share our religious beliefs, keep our women locked in the basement, arrest journalists, beat pets, outlaw heavy metal and hot chicks, and torture anyone who doesn’t vote for him.” Yes, we can see how this is going to turn out.
- Kenyan women have their men by the balls, so to speak. They’re threatening a sex strike if the men don’t stop fighting with each other. Reminds me of an old girlfriend I once had. Good times.
- Did you know there’s actually an Orgasm Curch? There is, in Sweden, and it’s officially named The Madonna of Orgasm Church? We’ve got a long way to go, America. Feel free to insert your best “Oh, God” sex joke here.
- Obviously, the best way to get a raise is to protest wages by cutting off your finger and eating it.
- Clear Channel, the radio giant, has laid off more than 2,500 people this year. If you think radio sucks, you now know why.
- A guy old enough to be your grandpa hopped on one of those electric carts you find at a grocery store. He then cruised around the joint while drinking wine and eating candy (and probably grabbing some ass). He eventually rode out of the store without paying. Sounds fun. Age really is just a state of mind.
- In the is this really what we’re dealing with category, North Korea threatened to perform more missile tests if the U.N. doesn’t apologize for condemning their first missile tests. Sure, we can negotiate with North Korea. All we have to do is master the phrases, “I know you are, but what am I?” and “I’m rubber, you’re glue …”
- For the second time this year, rumors are swirling that things are not good in the Jon & Kate Plus 8 household. Jon was once again seen out with another girl. With my respect and love for Kate and their 8 kids aside, how great and scandalous would it be if Jon hooked-up with the other Octomom?
Of course, there’s much more where all of this came from. The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will bring you more updates in our week-in-review special later this week.
April 13, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It wasn’t long ago when the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet called on America’s leaders to stop making the country nuts and change their actions for Lent. Officials must have heard our call, as the news coming out of the nation’s capital is music to our ears.
While the Terrorist Watch List already contains one million people, federal authorities have added some new and very surprising names to the list. “Frankly, there are some celebrities that are terrorizing the lives of innocent people and they need to be watched and possibly stopped,” said a high level Washington insider. He went on to say, “America loves its freedom and celebrities, but sometimes enough is enough. You don’t see these types of celebrity problems in North Korea, China or even Iran. We’re joining the rest of the world and we’ll be teaming up with TMZ and Perez Hilton to crack down on the nonsense.”
As officials rattled off the new names added to the Terrorist Watch List, they gave details as to why the following would now be under the watchful eye of Uncle Sam.
Britney Spears: Lip-synching sends the wrong message to America’s kids, and children all around the world. And saying ‘rock out with your c**k out’ and ‘goodnight, mother f**kers’ as you leave the stage is not what America stands for. Miss Spears will clean-up her act or else.
American Idol Judges: They are single-handedly ruining the English language and turning it into speech-crutch heaven. If this isn’t straightened out, the FCC will begin fining them for every speech-crutch used. We can’t be a welcoming melting pot for the world if they’re running around speaking a foreign language full of ‘you knows’ and ‘doggs’ on national television.
- Katy Perry: The singer is promoting lesbianism with her song, “I Kissed A Girl.” She needs to understand that if America is to repair its image in countries like Afghanistan, Iraq, Syria, and others, we can’t be a nation that tolerates girl-on-girl action. (Editor’s note: We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
Larry the Cable Guy: He’s been lying to the country for years, he’s never been a cable guy. He’ll stop this illegal impersonation or find himself in jail. We will get ‘er done.
Victoria’s Secret: First, Victoria must come clean and tell the world what her secret is. If she won’t, we’ll just wiretap her phones until we find out. Secondly, thanks to her smut-peddling, American minds are obsessed with sex. We love their water bra and some of their scents are fantastic, but the relentless promotion of sex must stop. They don’t understand that the rest of the world isn’t interested in beautiful girls or lingerie fashion shows. (Editor’s note: We couldn’t disagree more with the government on this matter.)
Ryan Seacrest: He has too many jobs and is keeping a lot of talented people out of work; it’s killing Hollywood’s economy. We’re calling on Ryan to give-up ten of his jobs so other deserving hosts don’t find themselves on the streets.
Amy Winehouse: While she’s not an American citizen, she’s clearly sending the wrong message. We’re partnering with British authorities to make sure she eats three meals a day, brushes her hair at least once a week, and doesn’t get any more tattoos.
- Celebrity Twitter Abusers: Look, no one likes you as much as you think they do. Enough with the lame, selfish Tweets. We don’t care if you’re eating tacos, going for a jog, or working in the garden. Keep it up and you’ll find yourself behind bars.
Dr. Phil: American’s have a right to privacy, but he makes everyone’s business his business. We’d like him to leave everyone alone and stop trying to fix their problems. And he’s not a miracle worker. His college football team lost 100-6 in one of the most lopsided games ever. The positive mental attitude he preaches doesn’t always work; he may be guilty of fraud.
Madonna & Angelina: Our allies across the globe have made it very clear that stealing babies from other countries is one of the reasons the terrorists want us dead. Their baby trafficking business will be stopped.
The Beautiful People: Whether it’s surgery or genetics, there are many celebrities who are just too beautiful. They’re demoralizing the country and causing wide-spread self-esteem and depression issues. Brad Pitt, Megan Fox, George Clooney, Kim Kardashian, and Johnny Depp are just a few of the people we’re calling on to ugly-it-up a bit, to better America.
BTW – the image above is from Grataware, a company which has created a great iPhone app that let’s you track some of the most wanted terrorists – something all of us should have on our iPhones. As of press time, there’s no word on if they’ll add celebrities to their app. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when more names are added to the list.