Tag Archives: John Madden

Week In Review: April 13-19, 2009

headlinesApril 17, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It’s been a non-stop week of breaking news, and the reporters here at Thank God For the Intenet have compiled a ‘Need to Know Week in Review,’ featuring our favorite stories of the week.

  1. NBC has officially run out of ideas and morals.  They’ve hired impeached Governor Rod Blagojevich to be in one of their reality shows.

  2. In the “You Get What You Pay For” category, Domino’s Pizza hires complete idiots.  Think twice before you ever order from Domino’s again.  Seriously, you don’t want an ass-wipe sandwich.
  3. Sad.  John Madden has retired at the age of 73.  Frank Caliendo may replace him, as NBC executives are afraid they’ll lose viewers if they don’t find someone who can impersonate Madden, and shout “boom” and use Bret Favre references every 10-minutes.
  4. Will Fonzie and Joanie finally hook-up?  Will Mrs. C take on both Potsie and Ralph Malph in the Arnold’s bathroom?  Will Richie finally find his thrill on Blueberry Hill?  Maybe.  A Happy Days porno will be out soon.
  5. While Anderson Cooper was saying “tea bagging” over and over on his news show, thousands of American’s protested against government spending and higher taxes at Tea Parties held nationwide.  If the old stiffs at the FCC actually knew what “tea bagging” meant, CNN would be facing “Janet Jackson Nipple-Gate” types of fines.  Oddly enough, no tea was ever served at any of the parties.
  6. In the “We Need to Lighten Up” category, Carlie Christine, a Casa Robles High School cheerleading coach was fired from her job for appearing in Playboy.  “Gimme an H, gimme an O, gimme a T.”  Of course, she was ratted-out by jealous bitches who didn’t make the team.
  7. The end is finally near and our suffering will soon be over.  Exactly 20 years from now, an asteroid the size of a 25-story building will be dangerously close to Earth.
  8. The U.S. is now open to talking with Cuba.  Can you say, “Viva la cigarillo de Cuban?”
  9. In the “American Justice” category, if your ass is so wide it stretches  over to my seat, United Airlines will now be charging you double.  Think about that the next time you super-size your meal.
  10. The Yankees, and their $200-million-plus payroll, are off to a 5-5 start.
  11. Although she’s never starred in or written a hit movie, Mel Gibson’s wife may get $500,000,000 in the couple’s divorce settlement.  That’s a helluva bailout.  No wonder many are saying ‘no’ to marriage these days.
  12. The Los Angeles Board of Education is getting $180-million in stimulus funding.  So what do they do?  They vote to eliminate 5,400 teachers and support staff.   These are the people who are supposed to make our kids smart?
  13. Dave Matthews Band and Green Day both released new music this week.  To get the free DMB song, click here.  You’ll have to buy the new Green Day track, but it’s worth it.
  14. Jamie Foxx apologized for saying Miley Cyrus should catch Chlamydia and get a gum transplant.  She should have responded by saying he needs to learn how to tell better jokes, or that he wishes his old, middle-aged-ass could get a hot teenager.
  15. If you happen to be the one person who hasn’t watched the Susan Boyle video, don’t wait another minute and watch it right now by clicking here.
It has been a great week for news and we hope this recap has been helpful in keeping you up-to-date.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet say, “Go Lakers, go Nuggets, and have a nice weekend.”
Advertisements

Leave a comment

Filed under Uncategorized