R.I.P.

July 23, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet know Americans are still struggling to cope with the loss of some of the country’s most loveable people.  In the past few weeks alone, Americans have suffered through the passing of Ed McMahon, Farah Fawcett, Steve McNair, Walter Cronkite, and Michael Jackson to name a few.  But late Tuesday night, the country suffered another devastating blow.

Gidget, best known as the Taco Bell dog, died of a stroke at the age of 15, which is approximately 85-years-old to us humans.  We hope you’ll observe a moment of silence in Gidget’s honor – she was a good girl.  We leave you with this classic commercial, which clearly show’s how talented the loveable pooch was.  The world has lost another hero.   Rest in peace, little buddy.

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Barbie Goes Wild!

barbieJuly 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The once loveable children’s doll has fallen off the rails and is showing signs of very dangerous behavior.  Barbie’s new tramp stamp tattoo is the latest in a series of incidents that have her handlers, loved ones, and fans fearful for her life.

“All parents go through ups and downs with their kids,” said one of Barbie’s parents at Mattel, Inc. “But this is quite serious; her life is spiraling out of control. I’m afraid I’m going to get a call in the middle of the night saying she’s overdosed, trapped in a sex ring, or run off to Honduras with strangers.”

DrPhilSome experts say Barbie has been crying out for help for years. TV’s Dr. Phil said, “In order to help Barbie get better, we have to start at the root of the problem. Insecurity. Barbie’s constant image and lifestyle changes, from Corvettes to cowgirl to even running for President, clearly show she’s not confident in who she is.” He went on to say, “Unless she starts believing in herself, she’ll continue to act out, spiral down, and she may end up dead.”

DrDrewDr. Drew agrees and offered more thoughts. “She has to get rid of Ken, too. He’s not good for her. There are signs of extreme jealousy, psychological abuse, and controlling behavior – especially evident by her new ‘Ken’ tattoo.”  He continued by saying, “Someone has to get a handle on the situation or else addiction is surely next, if it’s not there already.”  Barbie’s dad concurs. “Ken is a disastrous force and I’ll deal with him; man to man.”

Barbie’s parents went on to say they’re planning an intervention, but until then it’s touch and go. “The first step is to find her. We don’t know where she is and she’s not answering her cell.” Authorities are aiding in the search by trying to triangulate her location using the GPS chip in her phone.  Reportedly, the crew at “CSI: Miami” are leading the effort, as Barbie is believed to be hiding out in South Beach.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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Whoops!

July 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love www.failblog.org and we thought we’d spread some of their holiday cheer.  Enjoy.

fail-owned-school-trojan-fail

See you in the morning with a shocking report about Barbie going wild.

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To Play or Not?

Michael Vick FootballJuly 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In the interest of public trust and journalistic integrity, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet feel it’s our duty to ask the tough questions.  We’ve asked you to rank the greatest Carl’s Jr. commercials of all-time, you told us who would win a fight between Spock and Luke, and you’ve settled many other controversial debates, too.

But today we need to straighten out the Michael Vick dilemma.  It’s likely he’ll be reinstated to the NFL, but will a team actually sign him or will the public outcry prevent a team from taking the public relations risk?  Stand-up for Democracy and vote.


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Gore, PETA: Ban BBQs

goreJuly 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Two of the most well-intentioned but polarizing forces on earth, Al Gore and PETA, have joined forces with a common and controversial goal:  Ban all BBQs in the United States.

At a televised press conference held on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building this morning, the two urged Americans to cease all BBQing for the foreseeable future.  On the one hand, Al Gore claims the smoke and heat generated from BBQ grills are contributing to global warming and will further widen the hole in the ozone layer.  On the other, PETA considers BBQing to be one of the top killers of animals worldwide.

petalogoHelping to whip the crowd into a frenzy, an unidentified PETA supporter began chanting, “Grilling is killing.”  And Gore fans could be seen holding signs that read, “Mind Your Ps & Qs, No B-B-Qs.”  A Gore representative addressed the crowd and said, “Mother nature has a fever because of our obsession with steaks, burgers, and dogs.  We can heal the world by shutting down these green killing grills.”

BBQA PETA representative then took the stage and threw a BBQ grill off the capitol steps.  As it landed and broke into hundreds of pieces, the crowd went wild and once again began chanting, “Grilling is killing, grilling is killing.”  At this stage, fearing violence may erupt, the secret service was forced to bring the event to a close and send the crowd home.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

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Food Stamps Making People Sick

food-stampsJuly 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As if the horrendous economy and rising national debt and unemployment isn’t enough, there’s a new epidemic the Obama administration is scrambling to deal with.  Food stamps are making people very sick.

An Obama administration official broke the news to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet earlier this morning.  “This is a mess and it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s finance died from licking wedding envelopes.  Unfortunately, many newly unemployed and welfare-ridden folks are licking the backs of food stamps, and it’s making them very sick.”  He went on to say, “We’ve done a miserable job at informing citizens about how food stamps work.  There’s no need to lick them – people just need to turn them in at their local grocery store.  In fact, they’re not even ‘stamps,’ so I’m shocked that this has spiraled so far out of control.”

Doctors nationwide are overwhelmed with the number of sick patients turning up in their waiting rooms.  Dr. Gordon, a Los Angeles physician, said, “I can barely keep up with the load.  I’m having to pump stomachs and re-hydrate hundreds of patients daily.  And most of these poor people don’t have health insurance, so my practice will be bankrupt by Christmas.”

A patient of Dr. Gordon’s, Flora Valentine, shared details of her horror.  “I got my food stamps in the mail and they didn’t come with any instructions.  I figured I had to lick the backs, like I do for other stamps.  After licking and licking and trying to get them sticky, I began feeling very sick.  I called 911 just before I collapsed.  Dr. Gordon saved my life.”

While President Obama has yet to publicly respond, we’re told he’s distraught over the crisis and may hire a Food Stamp Czar to lead the effort in educating Americans on how to avoid getting sick.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide more updates when news breaks.

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Weekend Poll

July 18, 2009 – Santa Monica, CA. After a long hiatus, the blogging and reporting will return.  And we’re re-starting with a weekend poll.  Both ads are causing controversy, but the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love ’em both.

So … who ya got?

burger-king-blow-ad


The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will return to business as usual on Monday morning.

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