July 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As if the horrendous economy and rising national debt and unemployment isn’t enough, there’s a new epidemic the Obama administration is scrambling to deal with. Food stamps are making people very sick.
An Obama administration official broke the news to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet earlier this morning. “This is a mess and it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s finance died from licking wedding envelopes. Unfortunately, many newly unemployed and welfare-ridden folks are licking the backs of food stamps, and it’s making them very sick.” He went on to say, “We’ve done a miserable job at informing citizens about how food stamps work. There’s no need to lick them – people just need to turn them in at their local grocery store. In fact, they’re not even ‘stamps,’ so I’m shocked that this has spiraled so far out of control.”
Doctors nationwide are overwhelmed with the number of sick patients turning up in their waiting rooms. Dr. Gordon, a Los Angeles physician, said, “I can barely keep up with the load. I’m having to pump stomachs and re-hydrate hundreds of patients daily. And most of these poor people don’t have health insurance, so my practice will be bankrupt by Christmas.”
A patient of Dr. Gordon’s, Flora Valentine, shared details of her horror. “I got my food stamps in the mail and they didn’t come with any instructions. I figured I had to lick the backs, like I do for other stamps. After licking and licking and trying to get them sticky, I began feeling very sick. I called 911 just before I collapsed. Dr. Gordon saved my life.”
While President Obama has yet to publicly respond, we’re told he’s distraught over the crisis and may hire a Food Stamp Czar to lead the effort in educating Americans on how to avoid getting sick. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide more updates when news breaks.