Need To Know

News2May 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As we embark on a new week ahead, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet thought it was necessary to notify you of some of the urgent stories you may have missed last week, while the mainstream media was asleep at the wheel.
  1. A girl horse won the Preakness.  While that’s a touching story, it’s going to further empower those pesky women’s rights groups.  Now it’s only a matter of time before chicks are in the NFL.
  2. Michael Phelps actually lost a race this past weekend, which further proves that pot should not be legalized, unless we want the country’s productivity to plummet.
  3. If you’re looking for more proof that EVERYONE is on Twitter, look no further than these two stories.  Even senior citizens are dropping mad verbs on the social networking site, as the world’s oldest Tweeter has been identified.  Her name is Ivy Bean and she’s 104.  She Tweets about “Deal or No Deal,” her friend Mabel, and sleeping.  God bless Ivy Bean.  And then there’s this pet cat, named Sockington, who is far more popular than you or I will ever be.  Sockington has 500,000 followers on Twitter.
  4. Nearly 9 million people crossed a very creepy moral boundary and watched the Farrah Fawcett documentary on Saturday night.  Our prayers go out to Farrah and her family and friends, and we hope those who watched the show won’t suffer too much bad karma.
  5. The season finale of Numb3rs had 9.6 million viewers.  Do the math:  our country is headed for big goddamned trouble if 10 million people think bank robberies, murder, and terrorism can be solved by algorithms and algebra.
  6. Last Friday marked the 69th anniversary of Nylon Stocking Day and the mainstream media missed it.  No surprise, they were focused on things like Miss California and some wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, or something like that.
  7. Stormy Daniels, a porn star, may run for a Louisiana Senate seat.  Hey, the American dream in action.  And say what you will, but do you think she could screw up the Senate any more than it is already?  “Vote Stormy.”
  8. Here’s more evidence that suggests humans should have to pass a test and gain a license before they’re allowed to procreate:  a British man was busted for hiring a hooker to take his 14-year-old son’s virginity.
  9. It’s over, there’s a website for everything now.  Proving this is the YouStrip website, which includes some very not safe for work nudity from amateur strippers from around the globe.  It’s basically YouTube for strippers.  One of these days, I’m afraid these videos are going to come back to haunt these non-thinking girls.
  10. If you’re tired of the Twitter mania and are sick of lying to pretend your life is interesting, maybe these websites are for you.  My Life is Average and F My Life allow users to post details as to why their lives are just average or why they suck.
  11. And finally, if you think you’ve got skills, think again.  After watching this amazing video of this girl beat-boxing, it’s pretty clear that most of us have no real talent, especially compared to her.
You can count on the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet to keep bringing you the news you need to know.

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