May 12, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet bring you an exclusive story. The White House is poised to wage a new and bloody battle; the War For Hip-Hop.
As reported by CNN last week, al Qaeda is using a hip-hop vibe to export jihad and recruit new soldiers willing to kill anyone who doesn’t agree with their way of life. With rhymes such as “Mortar by mortar, shell by shell, only going to stop when I send them to hell,” the terrorists are clearly stepping up their game and hitting America’s youth in the heart with some phat, funky beats. But Barack Obama won’t back down easy.
“Let me be very clear. The United States will not let al Qaeda hijack Hip-Hop like they have Islam,” said the President. “We will use every resource of the American military to make sure these mad rhymes are silenced.” He went on to say, “I know liberals will not be happy about us starting a new and very deadly war, but we have no choice, our values are in jeopardy. We won’t let these thugs steal our art, our rhymes, and turn them against us. Hip-Hop started in America and it’ll stay in America.”
At a press conference that left reporters stunned, Obama outlined part of his strategy for winning the War For Hip-Hop. “I’ve hired Suge, 50 Cent, Snoop, Dre, and Bow Wow to lead our fight. Those cats are armed with glocks and they survived one of the bloodiest battles ever, the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap War.” He continued by praising their talents, “Those playas can rhyme with the best of them and their new joints will remind the world which nation is the king of Hip-Hop.” And in a heartfelt moment, the President choked back tears and said, “I only wish Biggie and Tupac were still with us. I know they’d join the fight for freedom and Hip-Hop.”
As news of the new war spread around the globe, Osama bin Laden, who now goes by DJ-Terror, released a videotaped message which contained this threat to America. “Yo, yo, check it, bitches. My new joint, “Gettin’ Jihady With It” drops Tuesday. Then it’ll rain bombs until the infidels drown in their own blood.” But in an immediate response American’s will be proud of, 50 Cent said, “F those fools, yo. Ain’t no one takin’ Hip-Hop from the streets. I’ll pop a cap in some asses.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following the War For Hip-Hop and provide updates when news breaks.