April 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As promised for over a week, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are prepared to unveil details of a shocking investigation. Now that the number of unique visitors on Facebook has surpassed the population of Brazil, the Obama administration is seeing green and is prepared to announce a “Facebook Tax.”
A senior White House official said, “We’ve pretty much taxed everything but Facebook. And now that the number of unique visitors has surpassed 200 million, it’s time to start cashing in.” He went on to say, “The country is facing an economic crisis, but if we start taxing people for the amount of time they spend on Facebook, we’ll be out of this mess by the end of summer.”
In a statement that supports his colleagues, United States Secretary of Treasury, Timothy Geithner said, “I love Facebook as much as anyone; I even filled out one of those 25 things lists and I love that I can keep track of everyone’s birthday. But it’s easy to connect the dots here. Facebook is as big an enemy as al Qaeda. Why are Americans losing jobs and not buying homes or cars? Because they spend all goddamn day on Facebook. It’s time we take our country back, and put the social networking nemesis in its place.”
Geithner then announced details of the tax. “Each time someone logs in to Facebook, it will cost 99-cents. That’s the equivalent of buying a song on iTunes, so it’s not that big of a deal. This will allow each user to spend 15 minutes per-day on the site and they can post 2 status updates.” But then tougher news came for Facebook addicts. “If someone wants to spend more than 15 minutes on the site or post more than 2 updates, they certainly can, we support freedom, but they’ll face additional taxes. But of course, the more money you make, the more you’ll be taxed, because that’s how we do things these days. So, if you’re poor or a dropout, no worries, you won’t pay as much as someone who has actually has a good job.”
Economists have analyzed this proposed tax and claim the United States, due to the amazing number of people spending time on Facebook, would surpass the Arab nations in being the wealthiest in the world in less than a few weeks. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this shocking story and provide updates when more news breaks.