Tax Day ’09

uncle-samApril 15, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It’s Tax Day and the reporters here at Thank God For the Intenet have reviewed all 70,000 pages of the Federal Tax Code so you don’t have to.  The results won’t surprise you; we’re all screwed.

In today’s column, we’ll outline some of the more curious new taxes of 2009.  But in the interest of being ‘fair and balanced,’ we’ll try to dig the country out of this mess by offering some suggested taxes in a future column.

In various parts of the country, taxes have already gone up, are being proposed, or will soon rise in the following areas.

  1. You may as well forget what your mother told you, and leave the TV on all night – because taxes for Cable and Satellite TV are going up; so get your money out of it.
  2. Wait, we were wrong, do NOT leave your TV on all night.  Electricity taxes are going up, too.
  3. Don’t try to drown your sorrows in sin or get your freak on, because taxes for cigarettes, booze, porn, legalized marijuana, and even strip club visits are going up.  The government is the enemy of fun.
  4. The more you make, the more they take.  Capital gains taxes are going up again, which means they get you coming and going.
  5. By the way, your estate and property just depreciated.  Yes, those taxes are going up, too.
  6. It’s now more expensive than ever to be a fat ass, as new taxes on soda are being bandied about (labeled as the “obesity tax”).
  7. But if you’re tired of being a fat ass and want to turn your life around, while that’s great news, just know it’s gonna cost you, too.  Things like haircuts, gym memberships, and even some clothing are subject to tax increases.
  8. Yes, there’s an iPhone app for just about everything these days, but it looks like there’s a digital download tax coming for everything, too.  This will include music, movies, apps, TV shows, and even downloads of video games.
  9. If you wanna get away, like those Southwest Airlines commercials suggest, just know your airline tickets, car rentals, and hotel rooms will probably have higher taxes.
  10. You may want to call your Congressman and raise hell about all of this, but we urge you to think it through first.  Cell phone taxes are rising.
  11. Finally, if you make a mistake on your tax return in California, it may cost you up to 20%.  But officials don’t call that a “tax,” it’s just a “penalty.”  I’m sure you can see the difference.
While the economic mess may seem unfixable, it could be worse.  Kim Jong Ill or the Octomon could be our President.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue invesitagating the tax crisis and report updates when news breaks.
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