Twitter Terrorists

twitter_logoApril 14, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet have finished an exhaustive investigation and we’re able to deliver our exclusive findings on one of the world’s hottest subjects.  Twitter.

The Top 5 Key Findings:
  • While there’s potential, it ain’t that great.
  • Twitter is turning everyone into a narcissist.
  • Most people can’t spell or write properly and seem to have an education similar to the Somali pirates.
  • Unless people stop violating the rules, the hype and number of people Tweeting will rapidly decline and the service will become like Friendster or chat rooms; forgotten, second-class citizens in social networking.
  • Celebrities are ruining Twitter and are viewed as “Twitter Terrorists.”
We’ll leave our recommended “Rules of the Road” for another day, and focus on how some celebrities are ruining Twitter.  The following are stunningly ridiculous and verbatim Tweets from a high-profile, millionaire celebrity.  While these painful posts leave many wanting to cut themselves, they serve as further evidence the site may be headed for doom.  This Tweeter’s identity is being withheld for their own safety.

  1. on my way to work out! Need to sweat!!!!
  2. having my morning coffee. Making lunches for school and making oatmeal for all of us for breakfast.
  3. just picked vegetables from my garden for the first time. **** was so excited to see it growing. Making a colorful mixed green salad.
  4. cooking. Making my favorite spicy sauce for a fish barbeque today! I love Sundays.
  5. Just saw a shooting star!!! Making a big wish…
  6. drinking my morning coffee. My hair dresser is coming over at 9 to cut my hair.
  7. Going for a walk with the family to feed the horses.
  8. Grocery shopping for Easter barbeque tomorrow. ****** is picking out egg decorating kits for the kids.
  9. On our way Hm from the mountains. Just stopped for frozen yoghurt.
  10. Eating a giant plate of blue cotton candy.
Yes, those are real Tweets from a celebrity.  Our reporters then asked random Americans to review them, and the results were shocking.  We saw people convulse, throw-up, cry, pass out, punch walls, start itching themselves, launch profanity laced tirades, one guy pooped his pants, a couple fought and broke up, and a few people claimed they were now going to move to Canada.  And sadly, one girl who was very disturbed by the Tweets said, “I’m scared.  I want my mommy.”

This investigation leaves no doubt:  with every Tweet like the ones above, especially from celebrities, the “Who Cares” and “Shut the F**K Up” chants are growing louder and louder.  Most would like to see Twitter survive and reach its potential, but there are dark skies overhead, at least for now – the research doesn’t lie.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue investigating the “Twitter Terrorists” and provide updates when news breaks.


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