April 9, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In a stunning turn of events, the Pentagon announced the War on Terror has come to an end. Admiral Jenkins said, “It’s over. This is the first war we’ve ever lost, but we’re surrendering, the terrorists have won.”
As news of the dramatic announcement made its way across the globe, no one was quite sure why the United States decided to waive the proverbial white flag. But as reporters pressed for details, Jenkins gave further information. “The writing is on the wall and we must give up before it gets worse. Our intelligence mirrors what Perez Hilton and other sources have been reporting for the past 24-hours: The Octomom is getting a reality show. That clearly means the terrorists have won. We can’t come back from such a devastating blow; it’s the equivalent of a nuclear bomb being dropped on America.”
The U.S. Joint Chiefs of Staffs added to the Admiral’s comments. “Our forces are demoralized, the country has never been so weak, and it’s best we call it a day and live to fight another day.”
Soon after the briefings at the Pentagon, President Obama addressed the nation and gave a brief statement. “I promised change was coming to Washington, but I can assure you this is not what I meant. America has sunk to a new low, but my administration will not rest until we get this great land back to where it deserves to be. I’ll call on the FCC to cancel The Octomom reality show and we’ll then begin to pick up the pieces.”
When reached for comment, The Octomom said, “It’s always been my dream to help create world peace through my 14 kids. Words cannot express the joy I feel in knowing my greatness, my life, my beauty and brains, and my career could bring about such a result.”
While news of this story is still breaking, authorities, while citing a security precaution, have just said American’s will longer be allowed to have babies. “The Octomom has ruined it for everyone. No more babies, period,” said the head of the CDC.
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this shocking story and provide updates when news breaks.