March 30, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet, one of the world’s greatest mysteries has finally been solved. We now know why the chicken crossed the road. Porn. And he was also high on meth at the time. Our reporters were able to break this story after running into one of the chicken’s friends at a Hollywood party. According to sources, here’s how it all went down.
The tragic tale began in the summer of 2006. The infamous chicken family had finally saved enough money to buy a computer. It was something they desperately needed, as the two chicks were about to start school and would soon have homework assignments to complete. But that was the beginning of the end. Mr. Chicken became obsessed with the computer and quickly found himself surfing for bird porn late at night, while his unsuspecting and loving wife and chicks were sleeping.
Later that year, while emailing some friends, Mrs. Chicken discovered some mysterious looking files on the computer. She curiously opened them, and little did she know, life as she knew it would never be the same. The files contained graphic images of scantily clad chickens and other birds, in various provocative poses. Shocked and distraught, Mrs. Chicken confronted her husband and he admitted being addicted to bird porn.
Mama Chicken then booted him out of the coop. “Get lost, you sick pervert,” were her final words to her husband.
Part 2 of our investigation will be posted here tomorrow on Thank God For the Internet Blog. You’ll hear details of how the chicken ended up in jail, and for the first time ever, we’ll expose what happened on that fateful night in Reseda when the chicken finally crossed the road. We hope you’ll check back tomorrow for the shocking conclusion of this investigation.