March 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. On the heels of his ‘Mall Cop’ movie raking in over $150-million worldwide, one of Paul Blart’s biggest dreams has just come true. The Pentagon announced they’ve appointed him as the new War on Terror Czar.
While speaking with reporters, Admiral Burroughs said, “The world saw how Paul kept his cool, captured the terrorists, and saved the hostages in the mall crisis. That is exactly the kind of courage, talent, and brains we need the win the war on terror.” And commander Stevens agrees, “Paul Blart is the type of leader our troops will want to fight for. This isn’t a traditional war. Winning isn’t about dropping bombs and firing bullets. To defeat such an elusive enemy, we need someone who thinks outside the box and comes up with creative solutions. Those are Paul’s strengths; and that’s why he’s our man for job.”
While American’s now sense some relief and renewed optimism that a strategy for winning the war on terror has finally arrived, the enemy welcomes the new czar to the battlefield. In a prepared video statement, Osama bin Laden said, “Paul Blart may be able to take down some shoppers at a mall, but his Segway scooter won’t climb Afghanistan’s mountains of death. He’s fat, doesn’t carry a guy, and can’t even wire an explosive device. And besides, the movie sucked, I didn’t even get the jokes. Allah will prevail and the white devil Zionists will soon die.” Osama closed out his video with a personal message to Blart, “Bring it on, mall cop.”
When reached for comment, Blart said, “I saw the face of evil that day in the mall, and I won. I even got the girl. I’ve spent my whole life preparing for this challenge. I’m going to kick ass, take names, and save the world. The terrorists will die once and for all.”
The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.