March 14, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. It’s being reported this morning that one of the country’s most successful comedians, Larry the Cable Guy, is a crook. Investigators can now prove beyond a reasonable doubt that Larry has never been a ‘cable guy.’ “Not only has he never been employed by a cable company, we don’t even think he has cable TV in his home,” said Agent Barstow.
“I can’t believe he’s been scamming us for all these years. How does he sleep at night? We went to his concerts, movies, bought his albums, and even watched his redneck cable specials. I feel like I kissed my sister,” said Skeeter Williams, a long-time fan of the comedian. Another fan feels the same way. “This reminds me of when we found out Karl Malone wasn’t a mailman. Larry better watch his lying ass. If we can put scammers like Bernie Madoff in jail, we can get ‘er done with Larry, too.”
Reports are also surfacing that the country’s largest cable companies are working with authorities in an effort to file charges against Larry, for fraud, defamation, and impersonating a cable guy. Calls to the comedian’s representatives have not been returned as of press time. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet Blog will continue monitoring this breaking story and provide updates when news breaks.