To Play or Not?

July 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. In the interest of public trust and journalistic integrity, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet feel it’s our duty to ask the tough questions.  We’ve asked you to rank the greatest Carl’s Jr. commercials of all-time, you told us who would win a fight between Spock and Luke, and you’ve settled many other controversial debates, too.

But today we need to straighten out the Michael Vick dilemma.  It’s likely he’ll be reinstated to the NFL, but will a team actually sign him or will the public outcry prevent a team from taking the public relations risk?  Stand-up for Democracy and vote.

Gore, PETA: Ban BBQs

July 21, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Two of the most well-intentioned but polarizing forces on earth, Al Gore and PETA, have joined forces with a common and controversial goal:  Ban all BBQs in the United States.

At a televised press conference held on the steps of the U.S. Capitol building this morning, the two urged Americans to cease all BBQing for the foreseeable future.  On the one hand, Al Gore claims the smoke and heat generated from BBQ grills are contributing to global warming and will further widen the hole in the ozone layer.  On the other, PETA considers BBQing to be one of the top killers of animals worldwide.

Helping to whip the crowd into a frenzy, an unidentified PETA supporter began chanting, “Grilling is killing.”  And Gore fans could be seen holding signs that read, “Mind Your Ps & Qs, No B-B-Qs.”  A Gore representative addressed the crowd and said, “Mother nature has a fever because of our obsession with steaks, burgers, and dogs.  We can heal the world by shutting down these green killing grills.”

A PETA representative then took the stage and threw a BBQ grill off the capitol steps.  As it landed and broke into hundreds of pieces, the crowd went wild and once again began chanting, “Grilling is killing, grilling is killing.”  At this stage, fearing violence may erupt, the secret service was forced to bring the event to a close and send the crowd home.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue monitoring this story and provide updates when news breaks.

Food Stamps Making People Sick

July 20, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As if the horrendous economy and rising national debt and unemployment isn’t enough, there’s a new epidemic the Obama administration is scrambling to deal with.  Food stamps are making people very sick.

An Obama administration official broke the news to the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet earlier this morning.  “This is a mess and it reminds me of the Seinfeld episode where George’s finance died from licking wedding envelopes.  Unfortunately, many newly unemployed and welfare-ridden folks are licking the backs of food stamps, and it’s making them very sick.”  He went on to say, “We’ve done a miserable job at informing citizens about how food stamps work.  There’s no need to lick them – people just need to turn them in at their local grocery store.  In fact, they’re not even ‘stamps,’ so I’m shocked that this has spiraled so far out of control.”

Doctors nationwide are overwhelmed with the number of sick patients turning up in their waiting rooms.  Dr. Gordon, a Los Angeles physician, said, “I can barely keep up with the load.  I’m having to pump stomachs and re-hydrate hundreds of patients daily.  And most of these poor people don’t have health insurance, so my practice will be bankrupt by Christmas.”

A patient of Dr. Gordon’s, Flora Valentine, shared details of her horror.  “I got my food stamps in the mail and they didn’t come with any instructions.  I figured I had to lick the backs, like I do for other stamps.  After licking and licking and trying to get them sticky, I began feeling very sick.  I called 911 just before I collapsed.  Dr. Gordon saved my life.”

While President Obama has yet to publicly respond, we’re told he’s distraught over the crisis and may hire a Food Stamp Czar to lead the effort in educating Americans on how to avoid getting sick.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide more updates when news breaks.

Weekend Poll

July 18, 2009 – Santa Monica, CA. After a long hiatus, the blogging and reporting will return.  And we’re re-starting with a weekend poll.  Both ads are causing controversy, but the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love ’em both.

So … who ya got?

The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will return to business as usual on Monday morning.

Unsolved Mystery: The Missing Dollar

May 24, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God for the Internet, along with federal officials, have been investigating an unsolved mystery for a few weeks.  We’re ready to tell you the details and our hope is that you can help solve this mystery so the missing dollar will be found.

• Three tourists go to a hotel and want a room.
• The man behind the desk tells them it’ll cost $25.
• There’s quickly an issue, as $25 can’t be split evenly between the three tourists.
• The tourists, not wanting to cause a problem, decide to pay $30 for the room instead.
• Each of the them plunks down $10 and they head off to their room.
• Later that afternoon, the General Manager of the hotel, while reviewing recent check-ins, realizes the tourists had been over-charged $5.
• The general manager gives the Bell Hop $5 and orders him to take the money to the tourists.
• When arriving at the room, not knowing how to split $5 between three people, the Bell Hop put $2 in his pocket and refunded each tourist $1.
• Therefore, upon receiving a refund of $1 each, the three tourists paid a total of $27 for the room, the Bell Hop kept $2 for himself, which brings the cash total to $29.

Where’s the missing dollar?

If you have any tips that can help officials find the missing dollar, we urge you to contact your local authorities immediately.  The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will keep following this mystery and provide updates when news breaks.

Major Food Fight

May 22, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. A music war that makes the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap War of the ’80s look like a Richard Simmons dance party is heating up and threats from both sides are causing officials to prepare for full-scale violence.

The controversy is centered around battling fast food joints, Jack in the Box and Subway.  Both restaurants have a very popular commercial song that has been rocketing up the charts.  The rift is over which song is better. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet are trying to settle the nasty dispute the only way we know how — by asking you to decide.

So, which song ya got in this weekend’s poll?  Mini Sirloin Burgers or the $5 Footlong?

Need To Know

May 18, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. As we embark on a new week ahead, the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet thought it was necessary to notify you of some of the urgent stories you may have missed last week, while the mainstream media was asleep at the wheel.

1. A girl horse won the Preakness.  While that’s a touching story, it’s going to further empower those pesky women’s rights groups.  Now it’s only a matter of time before chicks are in the NFL.
2. Michael Phelps actually lost a race this past weekend, which further proves that pot should not be legalized, unless we want the country’s productivity to plummet.
3. If you’re looking for more proof that EVERYONE is on Twitter, look no further than these two stories.  Even senior citizens are dropping mad verbs on the social networking site, as the world’s oldest Tweeter has been identified.  Her name is Ivy Bean and she’s 104.  She Tweets about “Deal or No Deal,” her friend Mabel, and sleeping.  God bless Ivy Bean.  And then there’s this pet cat, named Sockington, who is far more popular than you or I will ever be.  Sockington has 500,000 followers on Twitter.
4. Nearly 9 million people crossed a very creepy moral boundary and watched the Farrah Fawcett documentary on Saturday night.  Our prayers go out to Farrah and her family and friends, and we hope those who watched the show won’t suffer too much bad karma.
5. The season finale of Numb3rs had 9.6 million viewers.  Do the math:  our country is headed for big goddamned trouble if 10 million people think bank robberies, murder, and terrorism can be solved by algorithms and algebra.
6. Last Friday marked the 69th anniversary of Nylon Stocking Day and the mainstream media missed it.  No surprise, they were focused on things like Miss California and some wars going on in Iraq and Afghanistan, or something like that.
7. Stormy Daniels, a porn star, may run for a Louisiana Senate seat.  Hey, the American dream in action.  And say what you will, but do you think she could screw up the Senate any more than it is already?  “Vote Stormy.”
8. Here’s more evidence that suggests humans should have to pass a test and gain a license before they’re allowed to procreate:  a British man was busted for hiring a hooker to take his 14-year-old son’s virginity.
9. It’s over, there’s a website for everything now.  Proving this is the YouStrip website, which includes some very not safe for work nudity from amateur strippers from around the globe.  It’s basically YouTube for strippers.  One of these days, I’m afraid these videos are going to come back to haunt these non-thinking girls.
10. If you’re tired of the Twitter mania and are sick of lying to pretend your life is interesting, maybe these websites are for you.  My Life is Average and F My Life allow users to post details as to why their lives are just average or why they suck.
11. And finally, if you think you’ve got skills, think again.  After watching this amazing video of this girl beat-boxing, it’s pretty clear that most of us have no real talent, especially compared to her.

You can count on the reporters here at Thank God For the Internet to keep bringing you the news you need to know.

The Best of Carl’s Jr.

May 16, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet love Carl’s Jr.  And the research clearly shows that if you don’t like their burgers, you probably hate America and all things that are very good.

For the weekend poll, we ask you which Carl’s Jr. commercial is the best of all-time?  Please watch and vote, this is very important.

The Bull

Padma

Paris

The Girlfriend

The Busted Boyfriend

The Crying Game

Is 40 Too Old For Facebook?

May 16, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. Thanks to the creation of the new Barguments iPhone app, the most important questions facing the world can now be answered.   But some think this new iPhone app may create more conflict and possibly more wars, as the questions are sure to spark fierce debate.

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet got a sneak-peek into some of the 150+ controversial questions in the app.  A few…

• Is 40 too old for Facebook?
• Could you cut Superman with a lightsaber?
• Who wins a fight between Larry King and Bob Barker?

Wow.  Divisive!

News of Barguments being in the iTunes store is spreading fast, and leaders from around the globe have been quick to comment on this buzzworthy app.  “People are tired of arguing over politics, it’s unproductive and passé at this point,” said a UN spokesman.  “We should be focused on debating the more important issues, like whether or not muscular women look sexy, which Spears sister is the better mother, or who would win a barroom brawl between a baseball team and a basketball team?”

Not surprisingly, Democrats and Republicans are lining up along party lines.  But while most officials are looking towards the positive benefits of healthy debate, law enforcement officials are prepared for tension.  “We believe these types of debates, while certainly contentious, should heal society’s wounds,” said police chief McAdams.  “But you never know what can happen.  We’ve seen violence erupt over these types of disagreements before.  When people start debating who would get the headlining slot if the Rolling Stones and Led Zeppelin played a concert together, tempers can really flare.  Our men and women in blue will be ready to prevent bloodshed.”

If you’d like to download a copy of the Barguments iPhone app and help heal the world through open debate, click here.  The reporters at Thank God For the Internet will continue following this story and provide updates when news breaks.  And by the way, Bob Barker could take Larry King in a fight.  And while it pains us to say this, the Rolling Stones would probably headline over Led Zeppelin, though that’s not our choice.

The War For Hip-Hop

May 12, 2009 — Santa Monica, CA. The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet bring you an exclusive story.  The White House is poised to wage a new and bloody battle; the War For Hip-Hop.

As reported by CNN last week, al Qaeda is using a hip-hop vibe to export jihad and recruit new soldiers willing to kill anyone who doesn’t agree with their way of life.  With rhymes such as “Mortar by mortar, shell by shell, only going to stop when I send them to hell,” the terrorists are clearly stepping up their game and hitting America’s youth in the heart with some phat, funky beats.   But Barack Obama won’t back down easy.

“Let me be very clear.  The United States will not let al Qaeda hijack Hip-Hop like they have Islam,” said the President.  “We will use every resource of the American military to make sure these mad rhymes are silenced.”  He went on to say, “I know liberals will not be happy about us starting a new and very deadly war, but we have no choice, our values are in jeopardy.  We won’t let these thugs steal our art, our rhymes, and turn them against us.  Hip-Hop started in America and it’ll stay in America.”

At a press conference that left reporters stunned, Obama outlined part of his strategy for winning the War For Hip-Hop.  “I’ve hired Suge, 50 Cent, Snoop, Dre, and Bow Wow to lead our fight.  Those cats are armed with glocks and they survived one of the bloodiest battles ever, the East Coast vs. West Coast Rap War.”  He continued by praising their talents, “Those playas can rhyme with the best of them and their new joints will remind the world which nation is the king of Hip-Hop.”  And in a heartfelt moment, the President choked back tears and said, “I only wish Biggie and Tupac were still with us.  I know they’d join the fight for freedom and Hip-Hop.”

As news of the new war spread around the globe, Osama bin Laden, who now goes by DJ-Terror, released a videotaped message which contained this threat to America.  “Yo, yo, check it, bitches.  My new joint, “Gettin’ Jihady With It” drops Tuesday.  Then it’ll rain bombs until the infidels drown in their own blood.”  But in an immediate response American’s will be proud of, 50 Cent said, “F those fools, yo.  Ain’t no one takin’ Hip-Hop from the streets.  I’ll pop a cap in some asses.”

The reporters here at Thank God For the Internet will continue following the War For Hip-Hop and provide updates when news breaks.